6 Tips to Move On From A Crush
Originally published on About Islam
QUESTION
I fell in love with one of my classmates at college, my dear friend, but I haven't seen him since we graduated a year ago. I miss him a lot and this causes unbearable pain and suffering. What shall I do? I feel lost.
RESPONSE by Karim Serageldin
As-Salaamu ’Alaikum sister,
I’m sorry to hear about your sadness and pain. I understand what it feels like to miss someone you endear. I will treat your situation as if you have a crush on your classmate since there is no indication that you two were in a mutual relationship. Tips to move on from your crush:
Naivety can be dangerous
Many people who have little relationship experience confuse someone being nice to them liking or loving you. It is not the same! I know someone who believed a co-worker was in love with her just because he sat with her at the cafeteria to talk during lunch break. This person “waited” for three years to get a proposal when the evidence clearly indicated that he did not love her but was just being cordial.
Accept that you have crush
Once you realize that he may not have the same feelings as you, the reality becomes clear- it is mostly in your mind. Look in the mirror and admit to yourself that you have a crush and that he does not think or feel about you in the way you hoped. I know this is hard but so is living in a fantasy which has led to suffering and pain for one year!
Recognize it may be best
You may not be compatible as a future couple. Friends are not always the best material for marriage. You may realize in the future that it was best that it did not turn into something more. Trust that God will connect you with the right person when you are ready.
All experience is good
Whether things turn out the way you want them or not, all experience, pleasurable or painful, is good because you always learn something and gain lessons of wisdom! Life will always have transitory events and situations that will refine and polish you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Don’t dwell
The more you replay the hurt and fantasy in your mind the more your heart will hurt and you may even feel anger. This cycle is like self-poisoning – you are the one that keeps drinking the poison elixir you create by replaying and dwelling on something that may not be true or may never become true.
Direct yourself forward
When you go through heartbreak, you must remove all triggers that remind you of that person. Instead, focus on connecting with close friends who can support you, having hobbies of interest, and so on. Avoid living in the past and looking him on social media. In the future, try to actually build a relationship with a man who is interested in doing so and learn more about those signs.
May Allah help you,
Muslim Marriage Crisis
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Sexual Harassment Allegations in the Media Triggering Victims
By Monique Hassan
A growing number of sexual harassment allegations are currently seen in our media. One allegation has led to another like a domino effect. Some have taken the stance that the sexual harassment allegations are false and these are women attempting to force a feminist narrative while targeting influential men. I argue that sexual harassment allegations in the media can act as psychological triggers for survivors that previously did not speak out due to fear and other mediating factors.
This is not to say that all accusations are factual, we know that someone is innocent until proven guilty.
What is a Psychological Trigger
A trigger is a stimulus that acts as an alarm system, causing the person to recall an experience or a specific memory. They are transported back to this moment of trauma and it can be debilitating. The trigger itself may not be traumatic, but it can stimulate a previously traumatic event.
Triggers are unique and personal; what triggers one person will not trigger another. The survivor encountering a trigger will be transported back to that traumatic moment mentally and feel an emotional intensity similar to that of the time of the trauma. A person’s triggers are activated by anything that interacts with our senses. This means someone could smell the perfume their attacker wore, hear a loud noise similar to a gun or watch media stories about sexual harassment that cause their sexual harassment and/or assault to replay in their minds while bringing up unresolved emotions.
When a particular stimulus triggers an emotional memory, it could be a happy memory that brings a smile or it could be a painful memory that left them traumatized. Specific anniversary dates often trigger emotional memories in people. Such as, nearing the date when a loved one passed away, memories of that person become consciously present in our minds and we think back to the day it actually happened. One person may use therapeutic coping skills and handle this relatively well; another person may feel debilitating sadness.
Can Sexual Harassment in the Media act as a Psychological Trigger
Some research has suggested that viewing traumatic images in the media can cause PTSD-like symptoms. A study conducted in 2002 concluded that watching media coverage of 9/11 can trigger PTSD symptoms in the viewers. Additionally, the severity of their symptoms was correlated with the amount of time the subjects spent watching the media.
Psychologist Simon Rego states in a recent interview, reminders can be anything from visiting the place the assault occurred or hearing a story about sexual assault, which can provoke an intense emotional and psychological reaction.
We can deduce from this that survivors can be psychologically triggered by seeing constant media headlines about sexual harassment allegations.
We can also consider that survivors witnessing these stories may feel it is okay for them to speak out now because they won’t be alone, they might feel safer and feel that their voice can finally be heard.
Ways to Reduce Sexual Harassment Within the Ummah
If we consider that even half of these allegations are factual, we must acknowledge that sexual harassment and assault is a real problem in our society and this begs the question how we can stop it. Firstly, we should never shame or ridicule a woman or man that is accusing someone of this. Just as the accused is innocent until proven guilty, the accuser must also be given time to prove their case.
Brothers need to be reminded about their obligations in terms of modesty, it is their duty to show respect to women and lower their gaze. A brother that is constantly staring at women (other than their wife), watching pornography, disrespecting women and making flirtatious remarks is a part of this problem. They may not be guilty of sexual harassment, but they are feeding into the issue and enabling objectification of women.
Some women have adopted the belief that freedom means purposefully embracing the role of a sexual-figure and some sisters are abandoning modesty for provocative clothing. Yet these same women are shocked when a man addresses them with immodest words. This is not to say that a man has any justification to act wrongly towards a woman, he never does, but it is a reality check if you present yourself in a disrespectful and immodest fashions then you are opening the door wider to disrespectful and immodest reactions. It is a man’s job to respect a woman; it is a woman’s job to give the man something to respect.
The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “Faith (Belief) consists of more than sixty branches (i.e. parts). And Haya (This term “Haya” covers a large number of concepts which are to be taken together; amongst them are self respect, modesty, bashfulness, and scruple, etc.) is a part of faith.
حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مُحَمَّدٍ، قَالَ حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو عَامِرٍ الْعَقَدِيُّ، قَالَ حَدَّثَنَا سُلَيْمَانُ بْنُ بِلاَلٍ، عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ دِينَارٍ، عَنْ أَبِي صَالِحٍ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ “ الإِيمَانُ بِضْعٌ وَسِتُّونَ شُعْبَةً، وَالْحَيَاءُ شُعْبَةٌ مِنَ الإِيمَانِ
I have to note that even the most modest of women can still be sexually harassed or assaulted. It is not an impenetrable shield, it is a helper and modesty impacts so much more than just sexuality (mindset, actions, bond to faith, freedom etc), but that is another topic entirely.
Reclaim the Islamic Lifestyle
In this hyper-sexualized society that condones teenagers having premarital sex and advocates for annual slut-walks (people walk in lingerie or nude on public streets) which are coined as empowering, we as an ummah must reclaim the Islamic narrative and push for Islamic standards within our own communities. We cannot succumb to the lifestyle choices pushed on us in modern society, we must adhere to the sunnah as much as we can and follow the guidelines given to us from Allah
If we examine many of our lifestyle guidelines within our religion, we find that much of it is meant to protect us from these issues. Just to name two of these guidelines we can think of modesty and gender segregation.
Modesty (men and women) this is so much more than just the clothing on our backs. We must speak with a modest tongue, act in a modest way and conduct ourselves respectfully.
We know that the two genders are not to free-mix unnecessarily, that does not mean we cannot talk or work with them. We have countless examples from the sahaba of men and women interacting in a respectful manner. This means we interact in permissible ways, we can never be alone with them, we do not touch one another and our spouses should always be aware of these interactions
Final Thoughts
The prevalence of sexual harassment and abuse on the media is a psychological trigger for many men and women that have been victims. This stimulus brings up past emotional memories that need to find closure and it is natural for someone to feel safer in speaking up when they see others doing it first. We must seek truth and justice in all cases and as an ummah we must seek to hold true to our Islamic lifestyle. It is also important to remember it is not only women who are sexually harassed and abused, this happens to men and we can see that with the story of Yusuf (Alayhum us-Salaam).
Resources
Exposure, threat appraisal, and lost confidence as predictors of PTSD symptoms following September 11, 2001. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15792033
SELF. We Asked Trauma Therapists How to Deal With Triggering News Headlines About Sexual Assault. https://www.self.com/story/how-to-deal-with-triggering-news-headlines-about-sexual-assault
Domestic Abuse
By Monique Hassan
In honor of Domestic Abuse Awareness Month, we as an ummah must acknowledge that this type of trauma is occurring within our community just as it is occurring in every other race and religion. Domestic abuse goes against Islamic character and divides families.
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” Quran 30:21
We are supposed to be servants of Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) and devoutly obedient to his message, this includes the rightful treatment of our spouses and family members.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), approximately 20 people are abused by their partner every minute in America. This is on or about 10 million people a year. Almost half of all female rape victims in America were forced by an intimate partner. 72% of murder-suicides are involving couples and it is typically the woman which is the victim of this homicide. Sadly, 20% of American children are a witness to domestic abuse.
What is Domestic Abuse
Domestic abuse is essentially a pattern of violence and negativity which is designed to control and breakdown the other person. Although some cases of abuse may occur due to a one-time outburst of anger, it is typically an ongoing and escalating behavior with the goal of keeping the abuser in power. A man or a woman can be the abuser and they may not see themselves as an abusive spouse just as the victim may not see themselves as being abused. Violence within the home can range in severity such as grabbing someone by the arm and throwing them to the ground to more horrific behavior such as beating someone with a closed fist until they are in the fetal position.
Abuse is not limited to physical violence. Verbal and emotional abuse is another tool used to oppress and degrade their spouse. As an example, if a husband comes home to find that dinner is not ready and he decides to begin screaming things such as “you are a terrible wife, I am embarrassed to be your husband” and then proceeds to slam doors and ignore the children, this man is harming his wife and his children. Spousal communication that seeks to blame and degrade can chip away at someone’s self- esteem and cause them to internalize the blame.
Sexual abuse is another aspect of the control paradigm. Although spouses should seek to satisfy the sexual desires of their mate, if a wife refuses intercourse it is not justifiable for the man to violently force himself upon her and then claim it is his right. Such acts cause the victim to associate sexuality with pain, which only serves to further sexual dissatisfaction within the marriage.
Forced isolation is another component seen in these relationships. The abuser begins to restrict their partner’s access to family, friends and the outside word. This may be done covertly by instigating arguments every time the spouse wants to visit family so that eventually the spouse stops attempting to leave to minimize arguments. Social media accounts and cell phones might be closely monitored or the abuser may completely forbid the use of these. The goal is to ensure the spouse is not hearing other voices which may go against the abuser and begin to strengthen the victim.
Why does Domestic Abuse Happen
Abusers may have tempers that are very difficult for them to control so they lash out angrily whenever they are triggered. Domestic Abuse is usually a means of control and dominance. The abuser wants to keep their partner submissive and in their metaphorical cage. They fail to realize that fear is not the same thing as respect.
“The strong man is not the one who wrestles others; rather, the strong man is the one who controls himself at times of anger.” Sahih Muslim 2609
Contrary to their external behaviors, abusers are typically weak internally. These are people that commonly lack trust in others and they are insecure. Therefor they project that insecurity onto their spouse and believe they need to enforce dominance to keep them at their side. Considering that 20% of children are witness to domestic abuse, those children may grow up and continue that cycle. The once abused and neglected child becomes the abuser or they marry an abusive spouse because this is the example their parents provided. They were raised to believe that marriage should be authoritarian.
Effects of Domestic Abuse
Victims of domestic abuse will feel the effect of this violence in physical and mental damage. The Suicide Prevention Resource Center reports that approximately one-third of domestic abuse victims have suicidal thoughts or have made attempts. Additionally, the spouses as well as the children in these abusive situations are at a higher risk for violence towards others as well as self-harm.
Victims often develop low self-esteem, they begin to blame themselves for their abuse and they become depressed. Children that witness these events carry lasting emotional scars which can impact their emotional development as well as their future choices in marriage.
Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is another common effect of an abusive household. This can entail insomnia and when they can sleep they experience nightmares. Increasing feelings of guilt, isolation, anxiety and mistrust in others are common. The victim may also become increasingly hostile towards others as they don’t have a positive means of venting and they lack coping skills.
Dependent on the severity of the abuse, some victims may endure lasting physical effects. Physical scars as well as improperly healed injuries serve to constantly remind the victim of their trauma while also causing them physical pain or difficulty. Women may lose their pregnancies which only adds to their suffering.
Survivors that do leave the marriage often find it difficult to trust others and this can hinder future marriage prospects. Some brothers have a negative disposition towards divorcees and they look only for virgins which makes this process even more difficult. If they do remarry and the new spouse is not aware of their painful past, this will create a difficult situation as the victim will have some emotional scars to work through.
Why do the Victims Stay
From the outside looking in, it is easy to say the victim just needs to leave. This is often very difficult for multiple reasons. The moment when they do decide to leave, this is the most dangerous time for them according to the NCADV. Many men who have killed their wife reportedly did this when they tried to leave. An abuser is intent on controlling the other person, once that control is lost the abuser becomes unpredictable and may escalate to levels of violence that they never demonstrated previously. The mindset of “if I can’t have you, no one will” becomes a potential threat. Due to the isolation that is pushed on some victims, they may not have any friends to go to anymore and they hesitate to contact family that they previously distanced themselves from. In some situations, family members look down upon divorce so heavily that they might encourage the victim to stay and have patience as if they are responsible for the abuse.
Domestic abuse victims do not always consider themselves to be victims, instead they blame themselves and feel that they deserved the discipline. The abuser further perpetuates this guilt and makes statements like “if you didn’t do that, I would not get so upset with you”. The victim begins to believe that they are responsible for the violence in the home because they are a bad spouse. They may even seek out forgiveness from their abusive partner after a beating.
Finances are another concern for victims of domestic abuse. Abusers often control finances to ensure their partner does not have enough money to support themselves. Shelters for abused women do exist, but many people would be afraid to live in a homeless shelter. If children are involved then custody is a huge concern of the victim. Certainly, they cannot leave the child in that dangerous household, but they don’t have guarantees that they will get custody. Even if the victim is awarded custody of the child, they may have to visit their abuser on a regular basis due to visitation rights. Some victims may fear that their spouse will harm their child if they attempt to leave so they see enduring the marriage as a means of protection for the children.
Seeking Help
Despite the difficulties and varying challenges of domestic abuse, victims can seek out help and they can overcome their situation. Many organizations exist that aim to help survivors of domestic abuse. If you are a victim of abuse or you know someone who might be, please utilize the following tips.
- Make sincere duaa and fall upon your faith for strength
- Contact organizations specializing in these situations.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800- 799-7233
- Contact family or friends you can trust and let them know you need help
- Contact your local police department for protection orders, arrests and have them escort you while gathering all your belongings
- Secure a lawyer if custody is a concern, non-profit lawyers are available for those that need financial help
- Reach out to religious leaders that you trust
- Find a therapeutic program to help you work through the emotional scars of your trauma
Take it one day at a time.
"No calamity befalls a Muslim but that Allah expiates some of his sins because of it, even though it were the prick he receives from a thorn." Sahih al-Bukhari 5640
As someone who has personal insight with domestic abuse, I can tell you that help does exist and you are stronger than you think you are. It is not your fault and you do not deserve it. If you are a victim or know someone that is a victim, it is time to make a change for the positive. Have faith in Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) to guide you through this storm and know that you will come out of it renewed. That which does not kill you only makes you stronger. Alhamdulillah for everything.
Monique Hassan,
Behavioral/Mental Health Writer
References
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. https://ncadv.org/
Suicide Prevention Resource Center. http://www.sprc.org/news/working-together- prevent-suicide- and-intimate-partner- violence