Men, sexuality and spirituality 2

Coffee with Karim Podcast · Ep 82 - Spirit, men and intimacy

Scrupulosity in religion.

Intimacy and sexuality impact by psychology and theology.

Obsessive compulsive behaviors and perfectionism.

How perception of the DIvine shapes our spiritual potential.

Ep 82 Men, Sex, & Spirit

Coffee with Karim Podcast · Ep 81 Men, Sex & Spirit - Michael Gasparro

Men, sexuality, spirituality.
Reflections on Muslim men with same sex attraction cases.
Existential becoming of masculinity and faith in the Divine.

www.reintegrativetherapy.com/

Group Support with Michael G
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Ep 81 Men, Sex & Spirit - Michael Gasparro by Coffee with Karim Podcast is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

Will We Be Sexually Compatible After Marriage?

11/27/17

Originally published on About Islam

QUESTION

As-Salaam Alaikum. I am a 34 years old Muslim woman who recently divorced. My friends have introduced me to a practicing Muslim guy. Since that moment, we really get along with each other. We have spoken about marriage and our expectations, and we both want similar things. After my very first meeting with him, I had a very strong feeling that this was the guy I was going to marry. I prayed istikharah and felt good. But then I felt the guy started drifting from me. Although I really liked him, I put my trust in Allah and prayed for Him to do what is best for me. He still kept contacting me regularly but was distant. I was really confused because anytime I prayed istikharah, I felt good about this engagement. After two and a half months, he finally told me what the problem was; he said he really liked me and really wanted to marry me, but because we had not had any physical contact (as we are both practicing Muslims), he was scared what if we got married and did not connect physically. He is praying istikharah as well, but this now has left me feeling really confused. Can you give me any help or guidance on this? Jazakallah.

RESPONSE by Karim Serageldin

As-Salamu ’Alaikum Sister,

I identify two major concerns in your question: 1) the istikhara 2) No physical contact with the man you might get married.

First of all, you must know that Istikhara is a du’aa’ in which a person prays to Allah to guide him to reach a right decision. The point of Istikhara is not to invoke miraculous signs or dreams about the correct choice to be made, but it is instead an official “letting go” of attachment to any particular result or choice in a matter. Often times, we pray Istikhara, but it is trite, insincere action because we have already decided what we want to do, even though Allah and His reasons may be indicating a different course of action.

Second, to make an Istikhara does not mean that a person abandons all other necessary inquiries. A person must carry out all efforts necessary to reach a correct decision, even after making Istikhara. If you only follow the Istikhara results and do not make other required efforts and investigations, your decision might be mistaken. With that said, the reason for your confusion is because you are focusing only on the results of Istikhara, and when you felt that he was distant (for an understandable reason), you started to doubt if you should marry him or not.

Use common sense, sister. Alhamdulillah, you got two positive answers from people you trust which is a great sign, and on top of that and equally important, you feel right about this brother. As you said, you both share expectations and have feelings for each other. Besides the answers from your prayers, you both seem to want the same thing, and I don’t see why you both aren’t taking the steps to get to know each other more and then take a decision.

Regarding his fear to marry you without any physical contact, the first step to connect physically is having connection emotionally. As I said, it is understandable that he is scared; getting married is a lifetime decision and requires many things to succeed, such as feelings, intimacy, comprehension, respect and so on.

I could not see your question if you both ever met in person. If not, it is not against Islam to do so. You should get to know each other more than 2 months before doing the Nikah. The main goal of the courting process is to see if there is compatibility and attraction and check the spiritual understanding. I would strongly recommend you get your families involved and create safe space for you both to meet.

We all know that the only relationship between family man and woman are allowed to have is marriage. If you are serious about taking this step, it is very important that you and he have more than the religious beliefs in common, which I believe you do, considering your good feelings about this bother. Make sure you are marrying him with more connection than his religion. Are you likely to sustain and succeed in a marriage where there is no compatibility beyond sharing a similar theology and ritual practices? We cannot live a true path of spirituality if our attempt to follow Islam lacks sincerity, wisdom, and deep reflection on our context and ourselves.

In conclusion, take your time to talk to him more, have few meetings with him in person in a safe space, get to know his family, and let him know yours. I strongly advise you to keep your du’aa’ and let God lead your decision. If everything seems easy in order for you and him to get married, it might be a strong sign that Allah is in agreement with this relationship. Remember that your Istikharah must be sincere, and it is not a superstition or a means to fortify what you already decided. Use your intellect and look for evidence that this brother is the right man for you, and advise him to do the same.

My last advice is to take some compatibility tests or even try pre-marital consulting if you feel that you need more certainty of your decision. It is very important to talk openly about expectations in the relationship. I don’t think you and him have to worry about physical contact after marriage now. If you have compatibility and chemistry to spend a life together, I am sure that the intimacy won’t be a problem.

Spirituality Within Sexuality

By Monique Hassan

Those moments of intimacy and sexuality with your spouse, those special moments when no matter how much noise might be outside of the window, you are only aware of each other. That deep connection which is connected to your trust, vulnerability, emotions and your faith. 

Edited blog, original posted on PsychCentral here, 

Sex , when done in an ethical and halal manner, can not only be connected to your spirituality it can be a spiritual boost. For far too long, people have associated religion and spirituality with caged sexuality and something shameful. As if religious followers are not allowed to enjoy intimacy and they are limited only to missionary with the lights off. Sexuality does not diminish one’s modesty nor is it inappropriate for a woman to be highly sexual. One can still maintain modesty while being completely the opposite in the bedroom.

Some take the stance sex is meant for creating children and nothing more, but I do not know of any religion that truly condemns sexuality as some shameful act. Sure, many religions have conditions surrounding sexuality such as they state it cannot occur till after marriage or restrictions are put on engaging in sex during a woman’s menses, but this does not mean sexuality is shameful or discouraged. It simply means it has a correct place and time, it is not a free for all.

“…in man’s sexual Intercourse (with his wife, ) there is a Sadaqa. They (the Companions) said: Messenger of Allah, is there reward for him who satisfies his sexual passion among us? He said: Tell me, if he were to devote it to something forbidden, would it not be a sin on his part? Similarly, if he were to devote it to something lawful, he should have a reward.”

[Muslim]

Sex as a Spiritual Boost

When we frame sexuality as a blessing and we are grateful for it, we are more likely to treat it with care. If you abide by the rules of your faith and see sexuality as a pleasurable blessing meant to be shared between you and your loved one, you will benefit more spiritually from that connection .

Think of it like this, within religion and spirituality, striving to do acts which are permitted and finding joy and gratitude in those acts  is showing gratitude and enjoying the blessings bestowed upon us. When someone with faith appreciates their blessings and enjoys them, it is an act of worship.

Sexuality is also a way to give to your spouse and be generous. Sexuality should not be approached with a selfish attitude of “get what I want and leave.” Taking the time to make it pleasurable for your spouse and keeping their needs in mind is serving your spouse, which is a form of worship when you are enjoining good with them.

Mental Health Benefits of Sexuality

When you orgasm, you release prolactin. This hormone is associated with feelings of relaxation and can help you sleep better. Additionally, studies show women that get more  sleep often have higher libidos.  Healthy sleep impacts our ability to focus, our mood and even our appetite.

A healthy sex life can help you reduce anxiety and depression. Oxytocin is released during foreplay and sex,  this lovely hormone helps reduce anxiety and is linked to empathy and generosity. That natural high people achieve when they do an intense workout at the gym is the same natural high you can get from making love to your spouse.

Sex can boost your self-esteem if your partner makes you feel desired and seductive. Beautifully, your self-esteem is also lifted when you realize you are providing intense pleasure for them. Imagine making your wife or husband scream, it makes you feel good about yourself doesn’t it?

Marital Benefits of Sexuality

During foreplay, oxytocin is released which impacts bonding. That closeness you feel with your partner during sex can extend beyond the bedroom and improve your overall bond. It is not a surprise that many people joke about “make up sex” as it is a way to reconnect and heal, even if you were yelling 30 minutes prior.

Unhealthy and unfulfilling sex lives are linked to a higher chance of divorce. A healthy sex life that is full of exploration, depth and openness can provide a happier marriage. That is not to say that sex can cure all marriage issues, but it certainly can help.

Communication is often improved by couples that are more willing to explore their sexuality together. Trust is a component of any healthy relationship. Often, intimacy requires feeling vulnerable and open. When we are that exposed to someone else and we invite them into it, we are building trust.

Final Thoughts

You know those transcendental moments of love, ecstasy and bliss. What a blessing from Allah (the most revered, most glorified) sexuality is. In those special moments, you are connecting to the love of your life in an emotional, spiritual and loving way. It is a blessing we should be gratefulfor. Sexuality is not against religion and spirituality; it aligns with a deeper spiritual connection, gratitude for this special act and a way to serve your spouse

Molested by my uncle.

A family ignoring the fact the Uncle is a sexual predator, forcing one of his victims to remain friendly with him and a woman desperate to escape this toxic environment. Original counseling answer posted on AboutIslam

It took a lot of courage to write in and express such a painful topic. Thank you for trusting us with the opportunity to provide guidance.

It is my understanding you experienced molestation by your uncle from your toddler years and into adolescence. Your family is dismissive of what happened to the extent that they accuse you of somehow being accountable for what he did to you. I hope you realize they are 100% wrong and they will be held accountable for their role in your trauma.

Their actions (or lack thereof) cause you to experience those same feelings of helplessness, depression and that the people who were supposed to protect you are the ones you need protection from.

Dear Sister, I understand and empathize with your situation on a deeper level than you know. Please know you are never alone, and you are so strong, Inshallah you will rise above all of this.

“Fear not. Indeed, I am with you both; I hear and I see.” [Quran 20:46]

Forced Visitation

Under no circumstances is it acceptable to force you into being around this man. He sexually abuses children, he is a monster and you are most likely not the only one he has hurt nor will you be the last. You might be the only one who was strong enough to say something.

I know this won’t be easy, but I advise refusing to be around him and making it clear if he is allowed to be present then you will not. Your mother is apparently a witness as she knew about him doing it when you were only 2 years old. Try to ask your mother to support you in this act, she tried to advocate for you before, she might again.

Marriage

You asked about getting married to move out and escape this situation. You are at a great age for marriage, but the decision to marry should not be made out of desperation and despair. It should be a choice you want to make, not a choice you have to make.

That being said, if you have a genuine interest in someone for marriage for more than just an escape plan then it is a great option to consider. This home environment is toxic and contributing to your depression, and a change of scenery with a supportive household could really help inshallah.

I need to highlight something, you have experienced a lot of trauma. It is advisable to make sure you are ready emotionally for marriage before taking that step and select someone you can feel safe with and confide in.

To be clear, if you only want marriage to escape your home then you may end up in a bad marriage that only increases your pain.

Coping Skills and Self-Talk

You mentioned keeping yourself busy and concentrating on other things. It is good to identify at least 3 positive coping skills you can employ when triggered. Such as creating artwork, journaling, trying new recipes or going for a walk in a favorite location. Think about what activities help you reign in your emotions and feel better.

Your emotions, thoughts and actions are all linked. This means we can work on altering those negative emotions by changing your thoughts and actions. I would like you to get a pen and paper, let yourself feel those painful emotions and take notice of your thoughts. Write those hurtful thoughts down on paper. For example, someone in your situation may think “no one cares, I’m weak”.

Once you have identified some of your negative thoughts it is time to debate them. Using the same example, we would write down a rational thought to debate the painful one. Such as, “they love me, but they are oppressed by culture and afraid to do the right thing, I am stronger than them in this and will not tolerate any more abuse”.

Let’s extend this idea of debating your painful thoughts on paper and try to practice this in real time. If something triggers those painful memories or feelings, you can use the same concept except do it in your mind. Talk to yourself internally during difficult moments while seeking refuge in Allah (Swt).

Forgiveness

This one is easier said than done but bear in mind it is for you and Allah (SWT) not for him. When we hold onto our past traumas and let the scars reopen, we are giving power to the pain allowing it to continuously hurt us. Learning to forgive does not mean you forget; does not mean you condone and does not mean you have to be friendly with him. It simply means you let go of it and trust in Allah (SWT) to handle it. Remember Sister, Allah (SWT) will hold to account those that spread evil and corruption.

“and seek help through patience and prayer, and indeed, it is difficult except for the humbly submissive [to Allah]” [Quran 2:45]

This also means forgiving the rest of your family. Try to sit down with your mother and ask her if the family would consider counseling. Having a mediator increases accountability for what is said and helps keep the situation calm. Forgiveness is a struggle, but perhaps that is part of the reason forgiveness and mercy is so highlighted in Islam.

Duaas

You asked about specific duaas (supplications) for your situation. Sister, speak from the heart. You can say duaa in whatever language you like, whenever you like and for whatever you like provided it is appropriate.

The Prophet (ﷺ) used to say, “O Allah! I seek refuge with You from worry and grief, from incapacity and laziness, from cowardice and miserliness, from being heavily in debt and from being overpowered by (other) men.” [Bukhari]

Final Thoughts

You took a brave step writing into us, keep on this path of healing Sister and inshallah it will get easier.

• Continue to make duaa

• Be aware of your negative thoughts and debate them

• Initiate getting your parents into counseling with you or at least sitting down talking honestly. Consider someone to advocate for you as a mediator if without a counselor

• Forgive for yourself and Allah (SWT)

• Self-advocate for your right not to be exposed to this man

Please only seek out a marriage if you truly want to be married and are ready for this commitment; your marriage should be a celebration, not a rescue operation. It is through Allah (SWT) that we can find healing in the warmth and light of our connection to the Quran, read it with an open heart and let it console you.

May Allah (SWT) heal your heart, guide your family and protect you.

Ameen.