Muslim Marriage Myths

After years of relationship work amongst Muslims, Karim has noticed certain myths regarding love and expectations before (and during) marriage that can be harmful and unrealistic. Karim provides reflections and advice on myths vs. reality regarding love, personality, family, timing and Islamic practice. Some of the constructs he addresses include:

"I want to fall in love" 
"I need to get married to have sex" 
"There is no one good out there"

Check out our helpful resources below!

coffeewithkarim.com/resources/

www.thefyi.org/marriage-research/

www.thefyi.org/infographics/pre-…n-muslim-couples/

Race, Identity and Islam

Dr. Abdullah from Zaytuna College and Lampost joins me in a conversation on race and Islam. I got to ask him questions like "What is racism?", "Are Muslims a race?", "If Islam was meant to remove racism why are there racist Muslims?" We also discuss the notions of Arab superiority, multicultural marriages, "white as good" and "black as evil." We close the conversation with advice and tips on what to do about racism.

Lamppostproductions.com
Zaytuna.edu

Arrogance in Muslims

By Monique Hassan

Arrogance is essentially a prideful attitude of superiority. The opposite of humility. Arrogance in Muslims is not only a negative personality trait, it is a dangerous path. Original sin stems from pride when we look at the story of Iblis (satan) refusing to bow to Adam (peace be upon him).

People are not born arrogant, this develops overtime. Success is wonderful, but it does elevate one’s risk for arrogance. In those moments of success and achievement, we must remember to give praise and thanks to Allah (most glorified, most high). This simple act of gratitude and worship keeps us grounded.

Some people act arrogant as a defense mechanism; look a little deeper and that person is actually insecure and they fear rejection. It takes a level of self-esteem and trust in order to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. An insecure person is putting up a metaphorical shield when they act arrogant.

Narcissistic personality disorder describes someone with an over-inflated sense of self-worth and importance. Their sense of entitlement is evident and they do not mind stepping on others to get what they want. Again, we may be seeing a highly arrogant individual on the surface, but underneath that hides levels of insecurity. This person NEEDS validation and praise so they demand it.

Fatima feels she is above other sisters because she wears niqab. Yusuf has the longest beard; he strokes it while looking down at the clean-shaven brothers. These two believers chose to embrace a beautiful act of sunnah, yet they forget to remember what that actually means . Islamic character is more crucial than Islamic garments. A sister in niqab must be mindful that our behavior is part of our cover, rude and arrogant sisters are displaying immodest attitudes. A long beard becomes an adornment of superiority when a brother forgets he is following the guidance of our prophet Mohamed (peace be upon him).

Dangers of Arrogance

We must be mindful of the dangers of arrogance. It is more than just a negative personality trait. We are warned about arrogance from Allah (most glorified, most high).

وَلَا تَمْشِ فِي الْأَرْضِ مَرَحًا إِنَّكَ لَن تَخْرِقَ الْأَرْضَ وَلَن تَبْلُغَ الْجِبَالَ طُولًا

And do not walk upon the earth arrogantly. Indeed, you will never tear the earth [apart], and you will never reach the mountains in height. Quran 17:37

We are displaying a lack of Islamic character when we display arrogance and superiority complexes. This dark seed blossoms into a dangerous characteristic that can ruin marriages, disrupt families, tarnish career reputations and most dangerously; pull someone away from faith.

Prophet Mohamed (peace be upon him) said None shall enter the Fire (of Hell) who has in his heart the weight of a mustard seed of Iman and none shall enter Paradise who has in his heart the weight of a mustard seed of pride. Sahih, Muslim 91 hadith 172

Move away from Arrogance, take steps Forward

Humility in Muslims, the opposite of arrogance in Muslims, is attainable by even the most hardened narcissists. It is possible for someone to release themselves from the cage of arrogance with a degree of self-awareness and a willingness to move forward. This is not a fully inclusive list, but just a few examples of ways to improve.

  • Be more mindful of the people around you and respect their boundaries

Mindfulness is a popular phrase right now for good reason. Actively listen, listen to understand not to respond. Attempt to validate other’s opinions and offer real substance to interactions. Respect their boundaries physically and emotionally. Remember it is okay to disagree, but do it in a respectful manner. These actions will cause others to react more positively and promote healthier interactions. This can be practiced online in social platforms where one can feel less vulnerable.

  • Be charitable with your time

Giving money or material items for charity is a great deed, but one can benefit greatly from donating something we often consider invaluable, time. Don’t just donate money to the new Islamic school, show up and offer to help build or clean. Spend some time at a homeless shelter serving food or pick up litter from a kid’s park. We are encouraged to look at those in situations more difficult and less desirable than our own, instead of looking to those above us. This aids in creating a sense of humility and gratefulness.

  • Slow down in worship

Take a deep breath and center yourself before the initial Allahu Akbar of prayer. This is our time to worship, reconnect and ground ourselves in our faith. Scientific research supports the mental benefits of daily meditation. We do not need to spend extensive amounts of time in prayer, rather we need to make the most of that time. Quality over quantity. Focus on the words you are reciting and feel them. Focus only on your worship and ignore what is around you. Make sincere duaa and dhikr.

Self-Transformations are Possible

A degree of self-awareness, time and consistency can help us to achieve greater humility and back away from arrogance. Self-transformations are not an overnight process, stay consistent and moving forward. Please feel free to share your own personal insights into arrogance and humility.

May Allah (most glorified, most high) remove arrogance from our hearts and grant us greater patience and gratefulness. ameen.

Attitude Gratitude

How can we make our soul smile? Gratitude! In this show Karim shares insights from the Quran and Sunnah and a few tips to help you grow your capacity for gratitude.

Suggested exercise in this show- Life Timeline templates at coffeewithkarim.com/resources

Domestic Abuse

By Monique Hassan

In honor of Domestic Abuse Awareness Month, we as an ummah must acknowledge that this type of trauma is occurring within our community just as it is occurring in every other race and religion. Domestic abuse goes against Islamic character and divides families.


“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” Quran 30:21

We are supposed to be servants of Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) and devoutly obedient to his message, this includes the rightful treatment of our spouses and family members.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), approximately 20 people are abused by their partner every minute in America. This is on or about 10 million people a year. Almost half of all female rape victims in America were forced by an intimate partner. 72% of murder-suicides are involving couples and it is typically the woman which is the victim of this homicide. Sadly, 20% of American children are a witness to domestic abuse.

 

What is Domestic Abuse

Domestic abuse is essentially a pattern of violence and negativity which is designed to control and breakdown the other person. Although some cases of abuse may occur due to a one-time outburst of anger, it is typically an ongoing and escalating behavior with the goal of keeping the abuser in power. A man or a woman can be the abuser and they may not see themselves as an abusive spouse just as the victim may not see themselves as being abused. Violence within the home can range in severity such as grabbing someone by the arm and throwing them to the ground to more horrific behavior such as beating someone with a closed fist until they are in the fetal position.
Abuse is not limited to physical violence. Verbal and emotional abuse is another tool used to oppress and degrade their spouse. As an example, if a husband comes home to find that dinner is not ready and he decides to begin screaming things such as “you are a terrible wife, I am embarrassed to be your husband” and then proceeds to slam doors and ignore the children, this man is harming his wife and his children. Spousal communication that seeks to blame and degrade can chip away at someone’s self- esteem and cause them to internalize the blame.
Sexual abuse is another aspect of the control paradigm. Although spouses should seek to satisfy the sexual desires of their mate, if a wife refuses intercourse it is not justifiable for the man to violently force himself upon her and then claim it is his right. Such acts cause the victim to associate sexuality with pain, which only serves to further sexual dissatisfaction within the marriage.
Forced isolation is another component seen in these relationships. The abuser begins to restrict their partner’s access to family, friends and the outside word. This may be done covertly by instigating arguments every time the spouse wants to visit family so that eventually the spouse stops attempting to leave to minimize arguments. Social media accounts and cell phones might be closely monitored or the abuser may completely forbid the use of these. The goal is to ensure the spouse is not hearing other voices which may go against the abuser and begin to strengthen the victim.

Why does Domestic Abuse Happen
Abusers may have tempers that are very difficult for them to control so they lash out angrily whenever they are triggered. Domestic Abuse is usually a means of control and dominance. The abuser wants to keep their partner submissive and in their metaphorical cage. They fail to realize that fear is not the same thing as respect.


“The strong man is not the one who wrestles others; rather, the strong man is the one who controls himself at times of anger.” Sahih Muslim 2609

Contrary to their external behaviors, abusers are typically weak internally. These are people that commonly lack trust in others and they are insecure. Therefor they project that insecurity onto their spouse and believe they need to enforce dominance to keep them at their side. Considering that 20% of children are witness to domestic abuse, those children may grow up and continue that cycle. The once abused and neglected child becomes the abuser or they marry an abusive spouse because this is the example their parents provided. They were raised to believe that marriage should be authoritarian.


Effects of Domestic Abuse
Victims of domestic abuse will feel the effect of this violence in physical and mental damage. The Suicide Prevention Resource Center reports that approximately one-third of domestic abuse victims have suicidal thoughts or have made attempts. Additionally, the spouses as well as the children in these abusive situations are at a higher risk for violence towards others as well as self-harm.
Victims often develop low self-esteem, they begin to blame themselves for their abuse and they become depressed. Children that witness these events carry lasting emotional scars which can impact their emotional development as well as their future choices in marriage.
Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is another common effect of an abusive household. This can entail insomnia and when they can sleep they experience nightmares. Increasing feelings of guilt, isolation, anxiety and mistrust in others are common. The victim may also become increasingly hostile towards others as they don’t have a positive means of venting and they lack coping skills.
Dependent on the severity of the abuse, some victims may endure lasting physical effects. Physical scars as well as improperly healed injuries serve to constantly remind the victim of their trauma while also causing them physical pain or difficulty. Women may lose their pregnancies which only adds to their suffering.
Survivors that do leave the marriage often find it difficult to trust others and this can hinder future marriage prospects. Some brothers have a negative disposition towards divorcees and they look only for virgins which makes this process even more difficult. If they do remarry and the new spouse is not aware of their painful past, this will create a difficult situation as the victim will have some emotional scars to work through.

Why do the Victims Stay
From the outside looking in, it is easy to say the victim just needs to leave. This is often very difficult for multiple reasons. The moment when they do decide to leave, this is the most dangerous time for them according to the NCADV. Many men who have killed their wife reportedly did this when they tried to leave. An abuser is intent on controlling the other person, once that control is lost the abuser becomes unpredictable and may escalate to levels of violence that they never demonstrated previously. The mindset of “if I can’t have you, no one will” becomes a potential threat. Due to the isolation that is pushed on some victims, they may not have any friends to go to anymore and they hesitate to contact family that they previously distanced themselves from. In some situations, family members look down upon divorce so heavily that they might encourage the victim to stay and have patience as if they are responsible for the abuse.
Domestic abuse victims do not always consider themselves to be victims, instead they blame themselves and feel that they deserved the discipline. The abuser further perpetuates this guilt and makes statements like “if you didn’t do that, I would not get so upset with you”. The victim begins to believe that they are responsible for the violence in the home because they are a bad spouse. They may even seek out forgiveness from their abusive partner after a beating.
Finances are another concern for victims of domestic abuse. Abusers often control finances to ensure their partner does not have enough money to support themselves. Shelters for abused women do exist, but many people would be afraid to live in a homeless shelter. If children are involved then custody is a huge concern of the victim. Certainly, they cannot leave the child in that dangerous household, but they don’t have guarantees that they will get custody. Even if the victim is awarded custody of the child, they may have to visit their abuser on a regular basis due to visitation rights. Some victims may fear that their spouse will harm their child if they attempt to leave so they see enduring the marriage as a means of protection for the children.

Seeking Help
Despite the difficulties and varying challenges of domestic abuse, victims can seek out help and they can overcome their situation. Many organizations exist that aim to help survivors of domestic abuse. If you are a victim of abuse or you know someone who might be, please utilize the following tips.
 

  • Make sincere duaa and fall upon your faith for strength
  •  Contact organizations specializing in these situations.
  • National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800- 799-7233
  • Contact family or friends you can trust and let them know you need help
  • Contact your local police department for protection orders, arrests and have them escort you while gathering all your belongings
  • Secure a lawyer if custody is a concern, non-profit lawyers are available for those that need financial help
  • Reach out to religious leaders that you trust
  • Find a therapeutic program to help you work through the emotional scars of your trauma

Take it one day at a time.

"No calamity befalls a Muslim but that Allah expiates some of his sins because of it, even though it were the prick he receives from a thorn." Sahih al-Bukhari  5640

As someone who has personal insight with domestic abuse, I can tell you that help does exist and you are stronger than you think you are. It is not your fault and you do not deserve it. If you are a victim or know someone that is a victim, it is time to make a change for the positive. Have faith in Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) to guide you through this storm and know that you will come out of it renewed. That which does not kill you only makes you stronger. Alhamdulillah for everything.

Monique Hassan, 

Behavioral/Mental Health Writer

References
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. https://ncadv.org/
Suicide Prevention Resource Center. http://www.sprc.org/news/working-together- prevent-suicide- and-intimate-partner- violence