How can I explore the origin of my personal patterns?
Exploring the origins and patterns of your attachment style involves delving into your past experiences, relationships, and family dynamics to gain a deeper understanding of how your attachment tendencies developed. Here's a step-by-step guide on how to explore origins and patterns:
Self-Reflection: Take time for introspection and self-reflection. Set aside a quiet and comfortable space where you can think, write, or journal about your early memories, significant relationships, and how you felt in those experiences.
Early Childhood Experiences: Reflect on your early childhood experiences and interactions with primary caregivers (parents, guardians). Consider how they responded to your needs, emotions, and bids for closeness. Were they consistently available and responsive, or were there times of emotional unavailability?
Family Dynamics: Explore the dynamics within your family of origin. How were emotions expressed and dealt with in your family? Did you observe healthy communication, conflict resolution, and emotional expression, or was there a pattern of avoidance, conflict, or emotional suppression?
Attachment Figures: Identify significant attachment figures in your life, such as parents, siblings, and close relatives. Reflect on how you connected with them, whether you felt secure and valued, and how those relationships influenced your sense of trust and emotional safety.
Recurring Themes: Recognize any recurring themes or patterns in your relationships. Do you notice a tendency to distance yourself emotionally or avoid emotional vulnerability? Are there specific triggers or situations that elicit these patterns?
Life Transitions: Consider how major life transitions or events (e.g., moves, separations, losses) may have impacted your attachment style. These transitions can shape your attachment responses and coping mechanisms.
Therapeutic Support: If exploring your origins and patterns becomes emotionally challenging or overwhelming, consider seeking the guidance of a trained therapist. A therapist can provide a safe and supportive space to navigate these explorations and offer insights.
Connect the Dots: Reflect on how your early experiences and family dynamics may have contributed to the development of your current attachment style. For example, if you had caregivers who were inconsistent in their responsiveness, you might have developed an avoidant attachment style as a way to protect yourself from potential emotional pain.
Journaling and Processing: Write down your insights, observations, and feelings as you explore your origins and patterns. Journaling can help you organize your thoughts, track your progress, and gain clarity on the connections between your past and present.
Practice Self-Compassion: Throughout this process, practice self-compassion and kindness toward yourself. Remember that understanding your origins and patterns is a step toward growth and healing, and it's natural to have a mix of positive and challenging realizations.
By exploring your origins and patterns, you can gain valuable insights into your attachment style and the ways it may impact your relationships. This self-awareness is a crucial step toward making positive changes and developing healthier attachment dynamics.
Molested by my uncle.
By Monique Hassan
A family ignoring the fact the Uncle is a sexual predator, forcing one of his victims to remain friendly with him and a woman desperate to escape this toxic environment. Original counseling answer posted on AboutIslam
It took a lot of courage to write in and express such a painful topic. Thank you for trusting us with the opportunity to provide guidance.
It is my understanding you experienced molestation by your uncle from your toddler years and into adolescence. Your family is dismissive of what happened to the extent that they accuse you of somehow being accountable for what he did to you. I hope you realize they are 100% wrong and they will be held accountable for their role in your trauma.
Their actions (or lack thereof) cause you to experience those same feelings of helplessness, depression and that the people who were supposed to protect you are the ones you need protection from.
Dear Sister, I understand and empathize with your situation on a deeper level than you know. Please know you are never alone, and you are so strong, Inshallah you will rise above all of this.
“Fear not. Indeed, I am with you both; I hear and I see.” [Quran 20:46]
Forced Visitation
Under no circumstances is it acceptable to force you into being around this man. He sexually abuses children, he is a monster and you are most likely not the only one he has hurt nor will you be the last. You might be the only one who was strong enough to say something.
I know this won’t be easy, but I advise refusing to be around him and making it clear if he is allowed to be present then you will not. Your mother is apparently a witness as she knew about him doing it when you were only 2 years old. Try to ask your mother to support you in this act, she tried to advocate for you before, she might again.
Marriage
You asked about getting married to move out and escape this situation. You are at a great age for marriage, but the decision to marry should not be made out of desperation and despair. It should be a choice you want to make, not a choice you have to make.
That being said, if you have a genuine interest in someone for marriage for more than just an escape plan then it is a great option to consider. This home environment is toxic and contributing to your depression, and a change of scenery with a supportive household could really help inshallah.
I need to highlight something, you have experienced a lot of trauma. It is advisable to make sure you are ready emotionally for marriage before taking that step and select someone you can feel safe with and confide in.
To be clear, if you only want marriage to escape your home then you may end up in a bad marriage that only increases your pain.
Coping Skills and Self-Talk
You mentioned keeping yourself busy and concentrating on other things. It is good to identify at least 3 positive coping skills you can employ when triggered. Such as creating artwork, journaling, trying new recipes or going for a walk in a favorite location. Think about what activities help you reign in your emotions and feel better.
Your emotions, thoughts and actions are all linked. This means we can work on altering those negative emotions by changing your thoughts and actions. I would like you to get a pen and paper, let yourself feel those painful emotions and take notice of your thoughts. Write those hurtful thoughts down on paper. For example, someone in your situation may think “no one cares, I’m weak”.
Once you have identified some of your negative thoughts it is time to debate them. Using the same example, we would write down a rational thought to debate the painful one. Such as, “they love me, but they are oppressed by culture and afraid to do the right thing, I am stronger than them in this and will not tolerate any more abuse”.
Let’s extend this idea of debating your painful thoughts on paper and try to practice this in real time. If something triggers those painful memories or feelings, you can use the same concept except do it in your mind. Talk to yourself internally during difficult moments while seeking refuge in Allah (Swt).
Forgiveness
This one is easier said than done but bear in mind it is for you and Allah (SWT) not for him. When we hold onto our past traumas and let the scars reopen, we are giving power to the pain allowing it to continuously hurt us. Learning to forgive does not mean you forget; does not mean you condone and does not mean you have to be friendly with him. It simply means you let go of it and trust in Allah (SWT) to handle it. Remember Sister, Allah (SWT) will hold to account those that spread evil and corruption.
“and seek help through patience and prayer, and indeed, it is difficult except for the humbly submissive [to Allah]” [Quran 2:45]
This also means forgiving the rest of your family. Try to sit down with your mother and ask her if the family would consider counseling. Having a mediator increases accountability for what is said and helps keep the situation calm. Forgiveness is a struggle, but perhaps that is part of the reason forgiveness and mercy is so highlighted in Islam.
Duaas
You asked about specific duaas (supplications) for your situation. Sister, speak from the heart. You can say duaa in whatever language you like, whenever you like and for whatever you like provided it is appropriate.
The Prophet (ﷺ) used to say, “O Allah! I seek refuge with You from worry and grief, from incapacity and laziness, from cowardice and miserliness, from being heavily in debt and from being overpowered by (other) men.” [Bukhari]
Final Thoughts
You took a brave step writing into us, keep on this path of healing Sister and inshallah it will get easier.
Continue to make duaa
Be aware of your negative thoughts and debate them
Initiate getting your parents into counseling with you or at least sitting down talking honestly. Consider someone to advocate for you as a mediator if without a counselor
Forgive for yourself and Allah (SWT)
Self-advocate for your right not to be exposed to this man
Please only seek out a marriage if you truly want to be married and are ready for this commitment; your marriage should be a celebration, not a rescue operation. It is through Allah (SWT) that we can find healing in the warmth and light of our connection to the Quran, read it with an open heart and let it console you.
May Allah (SWT) heal your heart, guide your family and protect you.
Ameen.
5 Reasons Children Misbehave and What You Can Do
By Jailan Heider
Every parent reaches their wits end when dealing with children’s misbehavior. Just remember that your child isn’t “out to get you”, there are often very explainable and preventable reasons for misbehavior.
The most common reasons for misbehavior are:
1. Your child’s basic needs aren’t being met, he is tired, cranky or hungry which makes all his emotions magnified and little problems difficult to handle.
What you can do: make sure your child is fed and rested before venturing out. Make sure you don’t skip a meal or your child’s nap time. It can take some compromise on your part as a parent to make sure you’re child finds a place to take his nap while you’re out but it will make both of you happy in the long term.
2. Seeking attention, your child may be trying to get your attention and learned that getting attention through misbehavior is easier and more effective.
What you can do: Try to ignore unwanted attention seeking behavior as long as your child isn’t harming himself or others. Make sure you praise positive behavior so your child realizes there is an alternative way to get your attention. With repetition your child will learn he can do positive things instead of misbehaving to get your attention.
3. Displaying inadequacy,children who feel inadequate will refuse to try new things and give up easily.
What you can do: Offer your child encouragement when approaching a task. Use encouraging words and phrases like “you can do it!”. Try to offer your child toys or activities that are within your child’s developmental abilities with a bit of challenge to help in learn but not cause frustration. Remember to give him the space and independence to do it on his own but be close by in case he asks for help.
4. Controlling, children who want to be in control refuse to follow direct requests, lash out when reprimanded and refuse to do what their parents request.
What you can do: Don’t get yourself into a power struggle, simply state expectations and consequences in advance. If your child does not follow through (cleaning up) then follow with the consequence (can’t go out to play). With repetition and time your child will learn to avoid consequences with minimal conflict. As a parent make sure you do not insist on everything as well. It’s best to keep firm rules down to a few that mainly have to do with safety like crossing the street or not touching the oven. This gives you room to compromise and revisit other rules as your child grows and has different developmental needs and capabilities.
5. Revenge seeking behavior is when your child shows mean behavior like saying “i don’t love you” or breaking another child’s toy. This behavior reflects that your child feels he has no value or little worth.
What you can do: There is usually an underlying reason why children lash out with hurtful words and phrases. Sometimes a simple incident like leaving a birthday before seeing the clown can seem like the end of the world for your child with such intense emotions. The best way to handle this is to avoid consequences that might be viewed as retaliation, instead help him make amends like fixing the friend’s toy or make sure to explain why you had to leave the birthday at that time and acknowledge your child’s feelings. Most importantly remind your child that you LOVE him even when he is misbehaving. This can be hard but will help him stop acting out for revenge.