Happy Marriages: Communication Skills
By Karim Serageldin
Excellent communication is an essential tool for any type of relationship. There is not one couple that I have encountered whose issues are not rooted in a lack of solid communication. These basic tips are a great way to keep a smooth exchange of ideas and needs flowing insha'Allah!
1) Eye Contact: keep it as much as you can!
There is a saying that the "eyes are the windows of the soul" and there is so much truth to that. When we look at each other while speaking it creates a sense of presence and allows the listener and speaker to stay engaged. One can "say" so much through the eyes and this can provide important awareness around gauging sincerity and transparency when we share messages with one another.
2) Body Presence & Mirroring: empathy in practice.
Part of what makes us human is empathy, the ability to relate to someone's experience and feelings. Without it we can become cold and distant and our partner's will begin to feel disconnected and resentful. If your wife is sad and sharing a story about her work day, you should comfort her as you listen. If your husband just got into Harvard, your body and face should reflect the joy he is feeling. When we do not appropriately mirror the non-verbal communication of the body, this reduces a sense of connection and understanding necessary for healthy relating to one another. Furthermore it was a practice of the prophet Muhammad, (peace and blessings upon him) to turn his whole being to someone while being addressed. This Sunnah shows courtesy and presence and it is a powerful way to connect as humans. When we face one another or stand chest to chest, our hearts are aligned, making our human connection deeper.
3) Reflect and Paraphrase: ensures listening and validation.
This means you should summarize what you understood from the message. This is a powerful tool because it ensures the speaker you are actively listening and helps validate the speaker's experience. Often times, especially men, we say things like "okay honey" without actually listening. Next time your partner asks you to do something try summarizing it back. As we repeat the information we heard it is more likely to be internalized. When it comes to deeper discussions make sure any dialogue you have includes each of you paraphrasing the messages that are coming across. This will likely lead to less heart ache and clarify poisonous assumptions many of us have without actual evidence.
“I heard you say (summarize content)"
“I understand that you (paraphrase what you understood)"
“I get why that makes you feel (reflect emotion)"
“I can see how (content) makes you feel (reflect emotion)”
4) Package needs positively: stop criticizing!
"You never listen!"
"You never do anything around the house!"
"Your always get angry with me for no reason."
Sound familiar? Criticisms attack one's character and tend to use absolute terms like "never" and "always" leaving us with no hope to change. If we feel like our very "being is bad" we will naturally get defensive or angry and we will bite back, causing an argument to be born and escalate. Try using subjective I feel statements. This allows you to express your needs without targeting your partner and putting them down.
I feel (emotion) because of (behavior)
"I feel disrespected when you tend to argue with what I say.
"I would feel more appreciated when you help me around the house.
"I feel scared and unsafe when you raise your voice and when we are trying to have a simple conversation."
5) Surrender: stop trying to control each other.
Every human being wants to feel a sense of security, dignity and value with the person they are with. When we feel insecure or unsafe we get afraid and angry. Often fear causes us to want to control our partner in order to alleviate the fears we have. You can't change people because of your fear but you can improve together through faith. Surrender to how they are and improve things by requesting in a way that moves your partner towards what you want. Anything packaged in a negative way will result in negativity and trying to control will cause resistance in your partner.
"It would be great if you got up from time to time to help me when you see me cleaning" verses "you never help" or "why don't you help me?"
"I would love to spend this Saturday with you, just the two of us honey, I trust you can make that happen" verses "can you not make plans with your friends again this weekend, I want to spend time with you" or "why are you making plans without me again."
"I'm so looking forward to your cooking this week, you are the best chef I know" verses "are you going to cook this week or not?" or "why haven't you cooked, we can't afford going out again."
{This article integrates some of the points of Dr. Gottman and Laura Doyle}
Dictatorship in Muslim Families
By Karim Serageldin
There are those that use Islam as a power tool to get their cultural agenda's or personal wants applied by their children. Things are said like "If you do not do what I say, you will go to hell." OR "Allah will punish you, or I will disown you." This method is used by some parents to abuse children. One example I encountered lately is this reflection of a bright teen in search of truth.
"I feel like they (parents) only want me to follow their Islam, or they want me to study Islam to come to their beliefs, to be just like them, but I don't want to be like them. I am always associating God with fear and discomfort because of them, God is their "punisher."Even when I study Islam and bring my own views, they ridicule me if it is not in synch with their beliefs. On top of that, they seem miserable as people, always fighting and being aggressive. How am I supposed to have a connection to this religion that they claim is true, when they act so bad all the time."
{Allah does not impose upon any soul a duty but to the extent of its ability; for it is (the benefit of) what it has earned and upon it (the evil of) what it has wrought: Our Lord! do not punish us if we forget or make a mistake; Our Lord! do not lay on us a burden as Thou didst lay on those before us, Our Lord do not impose upon us that which we have not the strength to bear; and pardon us and grant us protection and have mercy on us, Thou art our Patron, so help us against the unbelieving people.} (Quran 2:286)
Cosmetic Muslim Culture
By Karim Serageldin
Some Muslim cultural family systems over emphasize external standards of success and outer evaluations. In other words "what people think, what people will say, we must keep up appearances, we need to show off or show them off." This type of thinking and feeling leads to cultural-relational norms that invest so much time on the social-surface-status-polish that the real inner work becomes absent and forgotten. This is why we see some people having 'eebadat' (worship rituals) in practice but their 'mu'malat' (social character) is foul. This is why we see some people obsessed with appearance and perceived prestige that they can even use religion to boost the ego. Subhan'Allah.
This disconnect is one of the main diseases of our times, we care too much about what others think and how they will judge or perceive us that we forget Allah's Countenance in the process. It is like having Social Make Up on- it's not REALLY YOUR FACE- it's time we make this life about true spiritual transformation within ourselves and families in presence of the Divine.
No one will be with you when you meet your Lord. No brands of clohting will protect you, no community will be called by the university they attended or the language they spoke. You will be called by your nation of faith and brought forth alone as a soul for your reckoning. All those "people" you tried to please or show off in front of will be quivering in their own shame and drowning in their own sweat, on a day where there is no avail other than your sincerity of heart and your actions.
May the Divine guide, forgive and protect us and increase us in sincerity, Amin.
Islam is a Yes Religion!
By Karim Serageldin
Originally posted on Virtual Mosque
When I was seven years old, I used to attend a halaqa (religious lesson). We would learn what I would call today the Islam of “no’s”. One summer day upon entering class, my teacher and I got into this dialogue.
“What is this?” My teacher glared at the shiny bracelet around my tanned wrist.
“It’s a bracelet; my grandmother got it for me.” I said nonchalantly.
“Didn’t I tell you jewelry is haram [forbidden]?”
“But it’s silver. Boys can wear silver. My grandma got it for my birthday.”
“Didn’t I tell you it is haram to celebrate birthdays?” His expression was more serious.
“But all we did was go to McDonald’s and eat chicken nuggets.”
“Didn’t I tell you McDonald’s is haram?!”
Seriously, that’s what happened. Growing up, many Muslims constantly heard the word “no”. “No, you can’t do that”, “no you can’t eat that”, “no you can’t see that/listen to that/touch that”. I heard a joke once that some masjids (mosques) should be called “No Happiness Allowed” Centers. Surely, boundaries are necessary in life, but what happens when we focus entirely on them?
When we are constantly reminded with what we are forbidden to do, we develop a relationship with God that is based on fear and anxiety. Psychologically, a self-destructive trend develops: a trend of fear of punishment, worry about going to hell and a constant feeling of guilt which overcomes the joy of God’s presence and blessings in our lives. Some of our brothers and sisters have developed severe obsessive-compulsive disorder because of this trend. The term is called scrupulosity and it is a dangerous and sad state of being. I once consulted a brother who would take one hour to make wudu’ (ablution) and two to three hours to pray. He would repeat rituals over and over again until he got them perfect. He did this out of fear that his prayer would not be accepted due to his wrong impression of God as powerful and judgmental. I have personally worked with clients who had psychotic breakdowns as a result of this mentality. May the Divine help us.
One of the ways I help such people is by asking clients to re-frame their perception of Islam as a “Yes Religion”. Everything is, by default, halal (permissible) except for what has been made haram. Islam is not merely a religion of regulations and deprivations. We have to look at the “yes” side, the plus side, the blessings and gifts God has actually given us. Living Islam is a path that gives much more than it takes.
Reflect on this:
- We get 24 hours a day, and we are expected to spend about 25 to 30 minutes of the day connecting with our Creator through prayer. That is 1.7% of the day in prayer. The rest is our time. We have twelve months a year. Only one month a year, God asks us to practice self-discipline through fasting and focusing on His worship. Through this fast, we still get to eat and drink by sunset and gain physical and psycho-spiritual benefits. That is 92% percent of the year left to us to eat whenever we wish.
- Yes, God asks us to give about 2.5% of our wealth to those in need, those less privileged than us. But, you still get to keep about 97.5% of your wealth and assets.
- If we are financially and physically able, God calls on us to make pilgrimage to Mecca only one time in our whole life, in return for His forgiveness! Not once a year, not once a decade, but once in our entire life. If you live to be 80 years old, performing one hajj requires only about 0.017% of your time. We can eat and drink everything except the few things which are harmful to us: pork, alcohol, and carnivores like lions, tigers and bears, which are not a common food source for human beings anyway. Other than that, you may enjoy all kinds of food and drink.
There are many more examples that show that Islam is a “Yes Religion”. Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said ”yes” to nearly all requests that came his way, as well as:
- Forgiving people and being patient in the face of wrongdoings.
- Flexibility and tolerance to other people’s culture and customs
- Letting everyone accept da`wa (the call to Islam) in their own time, without passing judgments
- Helping and supporting others
- Being optimistic, friendly, and meeting people with a smile
It has even been said that if it were not for the “no” in the shahada (there is no god other than God), the Prophet ﷺ might have never used the word.
I encourage you to reframe your perspective and make your own list of how Islam gives more than it takes. Focus on what Islam offers more than what it forbids. Let’s get back to this “yes” mentality. Let’s acknowledge the gifts and the blessings, and appreciate all that God has granted us. Let’s turn towards God with love. Let’s pray because we want to. Let’s find joy in existence and look forward to meeting our Lord.