Finding Balance in Virtue: Avoiding Extremes

Finding Balance in Virtue: Avoiding Extremes

In the pursuit of leading a virtuous life, it's crucial to strike a balance. Virtues, after all, are the building blocks of our character. They guide us towards being better individuals and contributing positively to our communities. However, like most things in life, it's possible to veer off track when practicing virtues.

Let's take the virtue of helping others, for instance. It's a noble and beautiful aspiration to lend a hand, support those in need, and be a force for good in the world. Yet, as with many virtues, there's a delicate balance to be maintained.

Consider this: virtues are like a spectrum, and at each end, there's an extreme. On one end, you have the deficiency of the virtue, where it's lacking. On the other, you have the excess, where it's overdone. The sweet spot, where the virtue truly shines, lies somewhere in between.

Take the example of wanting to help people. It's undoubtedly a virtuous endeavor. However, if taken to extremes, it can lead to dysfunctionality, harm, inauthenticity, insincerity, or even dishonesty. That's where the trouble begins.

Imagine someone who is overly eager to help. They might offer assistance when it's not needed or push their help onto others without considering their wishes. This excessive desire to help can become a burden rather than a blessing.

Similarly, the motive behind helping matters greatly. Are you helping out of genuine care and compassion, or is it driven by a need for validation or recognition? When virtuous actions are tainted by insincerity or hidden agendas, they lose their purity.

Furthermore, there's the danger of neglecting other virtues when one is pursued to an extreme. A person solely fixated on helping others may inadvertently compromise other virtues like honesty or fairness. This unbalanced approach can lead to mistakes and setbacks in the overall journey towards virtuous living.

So, what's the takeaway from all this? Virtues are indeed the pillars of a meaningful life, but they should be practiced mindfully. Finding that harmonious middle ground is key. It's about being genuinely virtuous without crossing over into extremes that may diminish the very virtue you seek to embody.

In essence, it's not just about practicing virtues; it's about practicing them wisely and in moderation. By doing so, you can ensure that your virtuous pursuits are authentic, sincere, and truly transformative for both you and the world around you.

Idolatry of Islam : Psychology of Religion studies.

Coffee with Karim Podcast · Idolatry of Islam- Class 2

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Class 2 of Idolatry of Islam: Psychology of Religious Studies

Arrogance in Muslims

By Monique Hassan

Arrogance is essentially a prideful attitude of superiority. The opposite of humility. Arrogance in Muslims is not only a negative personality trait, it is a dangerous path. Original sin stems from pride when we look at the story of Iblis (satan) refusing to bow to Adam (peace be upon him).

People are not born arrogant, this develops overtime. Success is wonderful, but it does elevate one’s risk for arrogance. In those moments of success and achievement, we must remember to give praise and thanks to Allah (most glorified, most high). This simple act of gratitude and worship keeps us grounded.

Some people act arrogant as a defense mechanism; look a little deeper and that person is actually insecure and they fear rejection. It takes a level of self-esteem and trust in order to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. An insecure person is putting up a metaphorical shield when they act arrogant.

Narcissistic personality disorder describes someone with an over-inflated sense of self-worth and importance. Their sense of entitlement is evident and they do not mind stepping on others to get what they want. Again, we may be seeing a highly arrogant individual on the surface, but underneath that hides levels of insecurity. This person NEEDS validation and praise so they demand it.

Fatima feels she is above other sisters because she wears niqab. Yusuf has the longest beard; he strokes it while looking down at the clean-shaven brothers. These two believers chose to embrace a beautiful act of sunnah, yet they forget to remember what that actually means . Islamic character is more crucial than Islamic garments. A sister in niqab must be mindful that our behavior is part of our cover, rude and arrogant sisters are displaying immodest attitudes. A long beard becomes an adornment of superiority when a brother forgets he is following the guidance of our prophet Mohamed (peace be upon him).

Dangers of Arrogance

We must be mindful of the dangers of arrogance. It is more than just a negative personality trait. We are warned about arrogance from Allah (most glorified, most high).

وَلَا تَمْشِ فِي الْأَرْضِ مَرَحًا إِنَّكَ لَن تَخْرِقَ الْأَرْضَ وَلَن تَبْلُغَ الْجِبَالَ طُولًا

And do not walk upon the earth arrogantly. Indeed, you will never tear the earth [apart], and you will never reach the mountains in height. Quran 17:37

We are displaying a lack of Islamic character when we display arrogance and superiority complexes. This dark seed blossoms into a dangerous characteristic that can ruin marriages, disrupt families, tarnish career reputations and most dangerously; pull someone away from faith.

Prophet Mohamed (peace be upon him) said None shall enter the Fire (of Hell) who has in his heart the weight of a mustard seed of Iman and none shall enter Paradise who has in his heart the weight of a mustard seed of pride. Sahih, Muslim 91 hadith 172

Move away from Arrogance, take steps Forward

Humility in Muslims, the opposite of arrogance in Muslims, is attainable by even the most hardened narcissists. It is possible for someone to release themselves from the cage of arrogance with a degree of self-awareness and a willingness to move forward. This is not a fully inclusive list, but just a few examples of ways to improve.

• Be more mindful of the people around you and respect their boundaries

Mindfulness is a popular phrase right now for good reason. Actively listen, listen to understand not to respond. Attempt to validate other’s opinions and offer real substance to interactions. Respect their boundaries physically and emotionally. Remember it is okay to disagree, but do it in a respectful manner. These actions will cause others to react more positively and promote healthier interactions. This can be practiced online in social platforms where one can feel less vulnerable.

• Be charitable with your time

Giving money or material items for charity is a great deed, but one can benefit greatly from donating something we often consider invaluable, time. Don’t just donate money to the new Islamic school, show up and offer to help build or clean. Spend some time at a homeless shelter serving food or pick up litter from a kid’s park. We are encouraged to look at those in situations more difficult and less desirable than our own, instead of looking to those above us. This aids in creating a sense of humility and gratefulness.

• Slow down in worship

Take a deep breath and center yourself before the initial Allahu Akbar of prayer. This is our time to worship, reconnect and ground ourselves in our faith. Scientific research supports the mental benefits of daily meditation. We do not need to spend extensive amounts of time in prayer, rather we need to make the most of that time. Quality over quantity. Focus on the words you are reciting and feel them. Focus only on your worship and ignore what is around you. Make sincere duaa and dhikr.

Self-Transformations are Possible

A degree of self-awareness, time and consistency can help us to achieve greater humility and back away from arrogance. Self-transformations are not an overnight process, stay consistent and moving forward. Please feel free to share your own personal insights into arrogance and humility.

May Allah (most glorified, most high) remove arrogance from our hearts and grant us greater patience and gratefulness. ameen.

Coping Skills: Know Them, Use Them, Enjoy Them.

By Monique Hassan

What do drugs, exercise, deep breathing, overeating, journaling and chocolate cake all have in common?

These are all examples of coping skills, albeit they are not all healthy coping skills (I do not condone some of those), but none the less they are all utilized by people as coping skills. What are coping skills you may be thinking, I am glad you asked!

A coworker at a behavioral health hospital once told me the difference between us (the staff) and the patients was one critical element, our coping skills.

A coping skill is essentially a method an individual employs to affectively minimize, control and handle stressful situations (or triggers, see more information on those here). You utilize coping skills without even realizing it, but to truly hone in on our coping skills enables us to have strategies to control our behavioral and psychological reactions to events. As my Mother likes to say, “it is not what happens to you that matters, it is how you react to it”.

We have all seen the clique movie scene where the heartbroken person listens to sad, depressing music and eats a pint of ice cream. This my friends is not a healthy coping skill, however, there are much worse that people utilize. Many drug addicts began abusing drugs to numb their pain instead of handling it. A young girl cuts herself in an effort to try and make her chaotic emotions manifest physically and signal to the world “I need help”. A man becomes aggressive at the stranger who accidentally bumped into him and wants to fight him, all because he had a bad day at work. A woman drinks herself into a drunken stupor to cope with the fight she just had with her husband. These are all examples of people using very negative and destructive coping strategies.

Maladaptive coping skills are not only dangerous to the individual, they can be dangerous to those around them, add stress to relationships, deepen emotional pain alongside guilt and create worse situations which lead to more negative coping skills.

An affective coping skill for me may not be as beneficial for you. We must identify our unique coping skills that suit our needs. During a stressful situation or trigger, the first step is to recognize and validate your emotions. It is okay to feel sad or angry, what is not okay is to lash out at others or yourself. Remove yourself from the situation if possible, take deep breaths and feel your emotions instead of running from them.

Look at what is upsetting you and try to see the bigger picture. Sure, it is upsetting for your car to be totaled in a car accident, but if you are alive then you have something to be thankful for. It is difficult to deal with a divorce, but this may open the door to a better marriage in the future and saved you from more heartbreak. If an exam comes back with a bad grade, look at the weakest subject areas and determine a better studying plan for next time.

Do you see the pattern here, look for the positives and focus on optimistic thinking. Become a master of positive self-talk and combat those irrational, negative thoughts with positive self-affirmations (hitting on cognitive behavioral therapy here).

After the immediate need to stabilize emotions and essentially self soothe, a variety of coping skills can come into play. This is a list of many positive coping skills, try to find a few in this list that can be beneficial for you or come up with 2 more of your own.

• Painting

• Read a book

• Walking in a park

• Exercise

• Journaling/poetry

• Listening to Quranic Recitation or Biblical quotes

• Working with one’s hands on a DIY project

• Yoga

• Deep breathing and/or meditation

• Prayer

• Looking at pictures of favorite memories

• Drawing flowers

• Go for a drive somewhere scenic

• Hug a friend

• Aromatherapy

• Perform a random act of kindness for someone else

Let me know in the comments below what coping skills work best for you.

Building Self-Efficacy and Self-Agency with Intention Setting

Self-efficacy is defined as a person's belief in their ability to achieve goals.

Higher levels of self-efficacy are linked to enhanced performance, better social outcomes and overall physical and psychological health. Furthermore, self-efficacy has a positive effect on self-agency, which is a person's ability to coordinate their inner and outer resources to reach a goal. Self-efficacy is different from self-esteem because it focuses on "doing," whereas self-esteem focuses on "being" of value. 

According to Dr. Albert Bandura, the Stanford psychologist who introduced the concept of self-efficacy there are 4 ways to increase self-efficacy; mastery experiences, vicarious experiences, verbal persuasion, and emotional and physiological states. Mastery experiences can result from setting goals and then achieving them. If I say I am going to start exercising and I follow through, then my beliefs about my ability to a accomplish goals is increased and I have stronger beliefs in my ability to achieve future goals. Vicarious experiences relate to believing you are capable of achievement because someone you know has modeled achievement to you. The effect of role models and mentors on our success is highlighted. The enhancement of self-efficacy through verbal persuasion is the result of positive self-talk or positive unconditional regard from a family member, friend, supervisor, peer or counselor. Emotional and physiological states refers to the importance of our overall emotional and physical well-being to the development of self-efficacy.

In seeking to establish a sense of optimal well-being it is very useful to focus on techniques to enhance self-efficacy and self-agency since our beliefs about our abilities underlie our stress management, accomplishments and almost every action step we take. If and when you believe you are capable of attaining the next level in your path, coupled with a proven track record of coordinating your inner and outer resources to create progress, a greater ease of manner will unfold. 

In building self-efficacy and self-agency, first set an intention. This will give a secure foundation of beliefs to your goal oriented behavior. The overall aim of the believer is to integrate the physical, mental, emotional, moral and spiritual aspects of human living as worship of Allah SWT, so as to attain (taqwa), awareness of Allah SWT in day to day activities. The Muslim's ability to achieve this has to do with their self-efficacy. If a Muslim has a robust self-efficacy he or she will actualize beliefs about his or her abilities to move closer to a state of taqwa. The formulation of intention requires one to next set a goal, establish a purpose and create an action plan.

From an Islamic psychological perspective,

formulating and purifying intention is integral to purifying the heart. If you notice that your values and behaviors are misaligned, and you repetitively act in ways that counter your beliefs this is a good indication that you have cognitive dissonance with some degree of anxiety. To integrate your aspects of self and return to wholeness, the heart has to be purified in order to gain clarity about which direction to take. To build the knowledge on how to integrate your being, resolve cognitive dissonance and align values and behavior, return to the heart. The way of knowing that is through the heart tells us how to do things. The way of knowing that is through the mind tells us what to do. We benefit when actualizing both paths to knowledge.

This does not mean the Muslim on the path of taqwa, leaves this world behind, rather it means he or she is clear about how his or her goals and action plans in this world are connected to his or her ultimate intention to serve Allah SWT. For example, if my goal is professional development, I seek to establish myself professionally for the sake of Allah SWT and to earn an income to my support family. Although, this is a great goal, I may fail if I don't have a solid action plan.

The goal is set on the level of the mind,

which is closely associated with beliefs (eman). In our path to success we want to harness the mind and beliefs to get to the heart (qalb). This is where to find an understanding of how to take action to achieve the goal. The heart is associated with ihsan, which is moving beyond beliefs to the level of worshipping Allah SWT as if we see him. Here is where we connect to a sense of divine purpose and where our beliefs become awakened. The purpose relates to why we should pursue a goal to attainment. Once clear about what to do and why to do it, then strategize and come up with an action plan for how to get it done.

Keeping with the example above, an action plan to use professional development for optimal benefit and personal growth includes spiritual, emotional, physical and mental components. The spiritual component keeps us connected to our intention, where the goal came from in the first place. For example, in order to reach my goal of professional development I may resolve to study Islam for 20 minutes each evening. The emotional component of the action plan relates to strengthening my inner resources in order to fuel the behaviors I need to reach my goals. For example, I may put aside 30 minutes each day to practice self-care so as to maintain my sense of tolerance and patience towards self and others. The mental component of the action plan relates to developing the intellectual resources I need for professional development. For example, I may study a new software program for 1 hour in the evening to attain greater job security. The physical component of the action plan relates to maintaining the physical health necessary to sustain professional development. For example, I may exercise at least 5 times per week to keep my overall energy level up.

When creating the action plan,

the importance of setting quantifiable markers cannot be understated. Quantifiable markers, such as how many times a week or how many repetitions per day, allow one to measure and monitor their goal oriented behavior to stay on track. Once your intention is clear, make sure that the goals you set for yourself are realistic and personalized to your situation. For someone who is struggling with self-doubt, even small goals in the right direction will make a big difference over time and eventually roll into bigger goals, inshallah. On the other hand, a person with a healthy sense of self may be ready for more complex goals. The enhanced self-efficacy that is cultivated when a goal is achieved, big or small, can then be generalized into achieving goals in various dimension of life: occupational, spiritual, social, intellectual, emotional and physical.

For further reading - Come to Success through Living Eman, by Kamal Shaarawy & Leslie Schaffer