Coping Skills: Know Them, Use Them, Enjoy Them.
By Monique Hassan
What do drugs, exercise, deep breathing, overeating, journaling and chocolate cake all have in common?
These are all examples of coping skills, albeit they are not all healthy coping skills (I do not condone some of those), but none the less they are all utilized by people as coping skills. What are coping skills you may be thinking, I am glad you asked!
A coworker at a behavioral health hospital once told me the difference between us (the staff) and the patients was one critical element, our coping skills.
A coping skill is essentially a method an individual employs to affectively minimize, control and handle stressful situations (or triggers, see more information on those here). You utilize coping skills without even realizing it, but to truly hone in on our coping skills enables us to have strategies to control our behavioral and psychological reactions to events. As my Mother likes to say, “it is not what happens to you that matters, it is how you react to it”.
We have all seen the clique movie scene where the heartbroken person listens to sad, depressing music and eats a pint of ice cream. This my friends is not a healthy coping skill, however, there are much worse that people utilize. Many drug addicts began abusing drugs to numb their pain instead of handling it. A young girl cuts herself in an effort to try and make her chaotic emotions manifest physically and signal to the world “I need help”. A man becomes aggressive at the stranger who accidentally bumped into him and wants to fight him, all because he had a bad day at work. A woman drinks herself into a drunken stupor to cope with the fight she just had with her husband. These are all examples of people using very negative and destructive coping strategies.
Maladaptive coping skills are not only dangerous to the individual, they can be dangerous to those around them, add stress to relationships, deepen emotional pain alongside guilt and create worse situations which lead to more negative coping skills.
An affective coping skill for me may not be as beneficial for you. We must identify our unique coping skills that suit our needs. During a stressful situation or trigger, the first step is to recognize and validate your emotions. It is okay to feel sad or angry, what is not okay is to lash out at others or yourself. Remove yourself from the situation if possible, take deep breaths and feel your emotions instead of running from them.
Look at what is upsetting you and try to see the bigger picture. Sure, it is upsetting for your car to be totaled in a car accident, but if you are alive then you have something to be thankful for. It is difficult to deal with a divorce, but this may open the door to a better marriage in the future and saved you from more heartbreak. If an exam comes back with a bad grade, look at the weakest subject areas and determine a better studying plan for next time.
Do you see the pattern here, look for the positives and focus on optimistic thinking. Become a master of positive self-talk and combat those irrational, negative thoughts with positive self-affirmations (hitting on cognitive behavioral therapy here).
After the immediate need to stabilize emotions and essentially self soothe, a variety of coping skills can come into play. This is a list of many positive coping skills, try to find a few in this list that can be beneficial for you or come up with 2 more of your own.
Painting
Read a book
Walking in a park
Exercise
Journaling/poetry
Listening to Quranic Recitation or Biblical quotes
Working with one’s hands on a DIY project
Yoga
Deep breathing and/or meditation
Prayer
Looking at pictures of favorite memories
Drawing flowers
Go for a drive somewhere scenic
Hug a friend
Aromatherapy
Perform a random act of kindness for someone else
Let me know in the comments below what coping skills work best for you.
Building Self-Efficacy and Self-Agency with Intention Setting
Self-efficacy is defined as a person's belief in their ability to achieve goals.
Higher levels of self-efficacy are linked to enhanced performance, better social outcomes and overall physical and psychological health. Furthermore, self-efficacy has a positive effect on self-agency, which is a person's ability to coordinate their inner and outer resources to reach a goal. Self-efficacy is different from self-esteem because it focuses on "doing," whereas self-esteem focuses on "being" of value.
According to Dr. Albert Bandura, the Stanford psychologist who introduced the concept of self-efficacy there are 4 ways to increase self-efficacy; mastery experiences, vicarious experiences, verbal persuasion, and emotional and physiological states. Mastery experiences can result from setting goals and then achieving them. If I say I am going to start exercising and I follow through, then my beliefs about my ability to a accomplish goals is increased and I have stronger beliefs in my ability to achieve future goals. Vicarious experiences relate to believing you are capable of achievement because someone you know has modeled achievement to you. The effect of role models and mentors on our success is highlighted. The enhancement of self-efficacy through verbal persuasion is the result of positive self-talk or positive unconditional regard from a family member, friend, supervisor, peer or counselor. Emotional and physiological states refers to the importance of our overall emotional and physical well-being to the development of self-efficacy.
In seeking to establish a sense of optimal well-being it is very useful to focus on techniques to enhance self-efficacy and self-agency since our beliefs about our abilities underlie our stress management, accomplishments and almost every action step we take. If and when you believe you are capable of attaining the next level in your path, coupled with a proven track record of coordinating your inner and outer resources to create progress, a greater ease of manner will unfold.
In building self-efficacy and self-agency, first set an intention. This will give a secure foundation of beliefs to your goal oriented behavior. The overall aim of the believer is to integrate the physical, mental, emotional, moral and spiritual aspects of human living as worship of Allah SWT, so as to attain (taqwa), awareness of Allah SWT in day to day activities. The Muslim's ability to achieve this has to do with their self-efficacy. If a Muslim has a robust self-efficacy he or she will actualize beliefs about his or her abilities to move closer to a state of taqwa. The formulation of intention requires one to next set a goal, establish a purpose and create an action plan.
From an Islamic psychological perspective,
formulating and purifying intention is integral to purifying the heart. If you notice that your values and behaviors are misaligned, and you repetitively act in ways that counter your beliefs this is a good indication that you have cognitive dissonance with some degree of anxiety. To integrate your aspects of self and return to wholeness, the heart has to be purified in order to gain clarity about which direction to take. To build the knowledge on how to integrate your being, resolve cognitive dissonance and align values and behavior, return to the heart. The way of knowing that is through the heart tells us how to do things. The way of knowing that is through the mind tells us what to do. We benefit when actualizing both paths to knowledge.
This does not mean the Muslim on the path of taqwa, leaves this world behind, rather it means he or she is clear about how his or her goals and action plans in this world are connected to his or her ultimate intention to serve Allah SWT. For example, if my goal is professional development, I seek to establish myself professionally for the sake of Allah SWT and to earn an income to my support family. Although, this is a great goal, I may fail if I don't have a solid action plan.
The goal is set on the level of the mind,
which is closely associated with beliefs (eman). In our path to success we want to harness the mind and beliefs to get to the heart (qalb). This is where to find an understanding of how to take action to achieve the goal. The heart is associated with ihsan, which is moving beyond beliefs to the level of worshipping Allah SWT as if we see him. Here is where we connect to a sense of divine purpose and where our beliefs become awakened. The purpose relates to why we should pursue a goal to attainment. Once clear about what to do and why to do it, then strategize and come up with an action plan for how to get it done.
Keeping with the example above, an action plan to use professional development for optimal benefit and personal growth includes spiritual, emotional, physical and mental components. The spiritual component keeps us connected to our intention, where the goal came from in the first place. For example, in order to reach my goal of professional development I may resolve to study Islam for 20 minutes each evening. The emotional component of the action plan relates to strengthening my inner resources in order to fuel the behaviors I need to reach my goals. For example, I may put aside 30 minutes each day to practice self-care so as to maintain my sense of tolerance and patience towards self and others. The mental component of the action plan relates to developing the intellectual resources I need for professional development. For example, I may study a new software program for 1 hour in the evening to attain greater job security. The physical component of the action plan relates to maintaining the physical health necessary to sustain professional development. For example, I may exercise at least 5 times per week to keep my overall energy level up.
When creating the action plan,
the importance of setting quantifiable markers cannot be understated. Quantifiable markers, such as how many times a week or how many repetitions per day, allow one to measure and monitor their goal oriented behavior to stay on track. Once your intention is clear, make sure that the goals you set for yourself are realistic and personalized to your situation. For someone who is struggling with self-doubt, even small goals in the right direction will make a big difference over time and eventually roll into bigger goals, inshallah. On the other hand, a person with a healthy sense of self may be ready for more complex goals. The enhanced self-efficacy that is cultivated when a goal is achieved, big or small, can then be generalized into achieving goals in various dimension of life: occupational, spiritual, social, intellectual, emotional and physical.
For further reading - Come to Success through Living Eman, by Kamal Shaarawy & Leslie Schaffer
Happy New Year 2019!
Karim Serageldin shares tips to launch 2019 in with a bang!
*Time is something you can't get back or buy more of.
*Know yourself as a creature in need and reduce your pain in life.
FIRST EPISODE OF 2019! TUNE IN NOW!
7 Tips to Make Your Week More Productive
By Monique Hassan
Another work week is here, time for excessive amounts of caffeine and a jungle of sticky notes. We all love the feeling of a productive day, that sense of accomplishment when we really made the most out of our time.
A common mindset is that greater productivity means working harder and for longer stints of time. Although this works for some people, this can lead to burnout and a decrease in focus.
Work Smarter Not Harder. Time is Valuable.
Here are 7 practical tips to make this week more productive.
- Start out the day right. Give yourself enough time to do at least 10 minutes of exercise in the morning. High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT) is great for this. Slow down during morning prayers. Eat a healthy breakfast aimed at fueling you.
- Positive Affirmations. Look in the mirror and tell yourself “I am successful, I believe in myself”. Be your own cheerleader!
- Schedule the day. Set goals for the day and outline when you will achieve them. Take this opportunity to set weekly goals as well. Be realistic and don’t overload yourself.
- Give up Perfection. We are often our own worst critic. Aim to complete your goals and take satisfaction in that. It is great to have high standards, but don’t burden yourself with unattainable levels of perfection.
- Stay Organized. Your environment can impact how you feel. An organized and clean environment is more conducive towards a productive and focused day.
- Take a Break. Downtime helps you re-charge. You can also assess what you have accomplished and what else needs to be done.
- Review Your Performance. Look back over the day and smile at what you achieved, make mental notes for what you can improve.
Increased productivity serves to boost your sense of accomplishment and self-worth. Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t achieve every goal you set for the day, do the best that you can and keep moving forward. Reward yourself for accomplishments and identify areas you have room for improvement. The biggest room in the world is the room for improvement.
The Prophet used to seek refuge in Allah from laziness in the following duaa: “O Allah, I take refuge in You from anxiety and sorrow, weakness and laziness, miserliness and cowardice, the burden of debts and from being over powered by men.” Sahih al-Bukhari 6369