Men, sexuality and spirituality 2

Coffee with Karim Podcast · Ep 82 - Spirit, men and intimacy

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Ep 82 Men, Sex, & Spirit

Coffee with Karim Podcast · Ep 81 Men, Sex & Spirit - Michael Gasparro

Men, sexuality, spirituality.
Reflections on Muslim men with same sex attraction cases.
Existential becoming of masculinity and faith in the Divine.

www.reintegrativetherapy.com/

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Ep 81 Men, Sex & Spirit - Michael Gasparro by Coffee with Karim Podcast is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

Spirituality Within Sexuality

By Monique Hassan

Those moments of intimacy and sexuality with your spouse, those special moments when no matter how much noise might be outside of the window, you are only aware of each other. That deep connection which is connected to your trust, vulnerability, emotions and your faith. 

Edited blog, original posted on PsychCentral here, 

Sex , when done in an ethical and halal manner, can not only be connected to your spirituality it can be a spiritual boost. For far too long, people have associated religion and spirituality with caged sexuality and something shameful. As if religious followers are not allowed to enjoy intimacy and they are limited only to missionary with the lights off. Sexuality does not diminish one’s modesty nor is it inappropriate for a woman to be highly sexual. One can still maintain modesty while being completely the opposite in the bedroom.

Some take the stance sex is meant for creating children and nothing more, but I do not know of any religion that truly condemns sexuality as some shameful act. Sure, many religions have conditions surrounding sexuality such as they state it cannot occur till after marriage or restrictions are put on engaging in sex during a woman’s menses, but this does not mean sexuality is shameful or discouraged. It simply means it has a correct place and time, it is not a free for all.

“…in man’s sexual Intercourse (with his wife, ) there is a Sadaqa. They (the Companions) said: Messenger of Allah, is there reward for him who satisfies his sexual passion among us? He said: Tell me, if he were to devote it to something forbidden, would it not be a sin on his part? Similarly, if he were to devote it to something lawful, he should have a reward.”

[Muslim]

Sex as a Spiritual Boost

When we frame sexuality as a blessing and we are grateful for it, we are more likely to treat it with care. If you abide by the rules of your faith and see sexuality as a pleasurable blessing meant to be shared between you and your loved one, you will benefit more spiritually from that connection .

Think of it like this, within religion and spirituality, striving to do acts which are permitted and finding joy and gratitude in those acts  is showing gratitude and enjoying the blessings bestowed upon us. When someone with faith appreciates their blessings and enjoys them, it is an act of worship.

Sexuality is also a way to give to your spouse and be generous. Sexuality should not be approached with a selfish attitude of “get what I want and leave.” Taking the time to make it pleasurable for your spouse and keeping their needs in mind is serving your spouse, which is a form of worship when you are enjoining good with them.

Mental Health Benefits of Sexuality

When you orgasm, you release prolactin. This hormone is associated with feelings of relaxation and can help you sleep better. Additionally, studies show women that get more  sleep often have higher libidos.  Healthy sleep impacts our ability to focus, our mood and even our appetite.

A healthy sex life can help you reduce anxiety and depression. Oxytocin is released during foreplay and sex,  this lovely hormone helps reduce anxiety and is linked to empathy and generosity. That natural high people achieve when they do an intense workout at the gym is the same natural high you can get from making love to your spouse.

Sex can boost your self-esteem if your partner makes you feel desired and seductive. Beautifully, your self-esteem is also lifted when you realize you are providing intense pleasure for them. Imagine making your wife or husband scream, it makes you feel good about yourself doesn’t it?

Marital Benefits of Sexuality

During foreplay, oxytocin is released which impacts bonding. That closeness you feel with your partner during sex can extend beyond the bedroom and improve your overall bond. It is not a surprise that many people joke about “make up sex” as it is a way to reconnect and heal, even if you were yelling 30 minutes prior.

Unhealthy and unfulfilling sex lives are linked to a higher chance of divorce. A healthy sex life that is full of exploration, depth and openness can provide a happier marriage. That is not to say that sex can cure all marriage issues, but it certainly can help.

Communication is often improved by couples that are more willing to explore their sexuality together. Trust is a component of any healthy relationship. Often, intimacy requires feeling vulnerable and open. When we are that exposed to someone else and we invite them into it, we are building trust.

Final Thoughts

You know those transcendental moments of love, ecstasy and bliss. What a blessing from Allah (the most revered, most glorified) sexuality is. In those special moments, you are connecting to the love of your life in an emotional, spiritual and loving way. It is a blessing we should be gratefulfor. Sexuality is not against religion and spirituality; it aligns with a deeper spiritual connection, gratitude for this special act and a way to serve your spouse

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Sexual Harassment Allegations in the Media Triggering Victims

By Monique Hassan

A growing number of sexual harassment allegations are currently seen in our media. One allegation has led to another like a domino effect. Some have taken the stance that the sexual harassment allegations are false and these are women attempting to force a feminist narrative while targeting influential men. I argue that sexual harassment allegations in the media can act as psychological triggers for survivors that previously did not speak out due to fear and other mediating factors.

This is not to say that all accusations are factual, we know that someone is innocent until proven guilty.

What is a Psychological Trigger

A trigger is a stimulus that acts as an alarm system, causing the person to recall an experience or a specific memory. They are transported back to this moment of trauma and it can be debilitating. The trigger itself may not be traumatic, but it can stimulate a previously traumatic event.

Triggers are unique and personal; what triggers one person will not trigger another. The survivor encountering a trigger will be transported back to that traumatic moment mentally and feel an emotional intensity similar to that of the time of the trauma. A person’s triggers are activated by anything that interacts with our senses. This means someone could smell the perfume their attacker wore, hear a loud noise similar to a gun or watch media stories about sexual harassment that cause their sexual harassment and/or assault to replay in their minds while bringing up unresolved emotions.

When a particular stimulus triggers an emotional memory, it could be a happy memory that brings a smile or it could be a painful memory that left them traumatized. Specific anniversary dates often trigger emotional memories in people. Such as, nearing the date when a loved one passed away, memories of that person become consciously present in our minds and we think back to the day it actually happened. One person may use therapeutic coping skills and handle this relatively well; another person may feel debilitating sadness.

Can Sexual Harassment in the Media act as a Psychological Trigger

Some research has suggested that viewing traumatic images in the media can cause PTSD-like symptoms. A study conducted in 2002 concluded that watching media coverage of 9/11 can trigger PTSD symptoms in the viewers. Additionally, the severity of their symptoms was correlated with the amount of time the subjects spent watching the media.

Psychologist Simon Rego states in a recent interview, reminders can be anything from visiting the place the assault occurred or hearing a story about sexual assault, which can provoke an intense emotional and psychological reaction.

We can deduce from this that survivors can be psychologically triggered by seeing constant media headlines about sexual harassment allegations.

We can also consider that survivors witnessing these stories may feel it is okay for them to speak out now because they won’t be alone, they might feel safer and feel that their voice can finally be heard.

Ways to Reduce Sexual Harassment Within the Ummah

If we consider that even half of these allegations are factual, we must acknowledge that sexual harassment and assault is a real problem in our society and this begs the question how we can stop it. Firstly, we should never shame or ridicule a woman or man that is accusing someone of this. Just as the accused is innocent until proven guilty, the accuser must also be given time to prove their case.

Brothers need to be reminded about their obligations in terms of modesty, it is their duty to show respect to women and lower their gaze. A brother that is constantly staring at women (other than their wife), watching pornography, disrespecting women and making flirtatious remarks is a part of this problem. They may not be guilty of sexual harassment, but they are feeding into the issue and enabling objectification of women.

Some women have adopted the belief that freedom means purposefully embracing the role of a sexual-figure and some sisters are abandoning modesty for provocative clothing. Yet these same women are shocked when a man addresses them with immodest words. This is not to say that a man has any justification to act wrongly towards a woman, he never does, but it is a reality check if you present yourself in a disrespectful and immodest fashions then you are opening the door wider to disrespectful and immodest reactions. It is a man’s job to respect a woman; it is a woman’s job to give the man something to respect.

The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “Faith (Belief) consists of more than sixty branches (i.e. parts). And Haya (This term “Haya” covers a large number of concepts which are to be taken together; amongst them are self respect, modesty, bashfulness, and scruple, etc.) is a part of faith.

حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مُحَمَّدٍ، قَالَ حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو عَامِرٍ الْعَقَدِيُّ، قَالَ حَدَّثَنَا سُلَيْمَانُ بْنُ بِلاَلٍ، عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ دِينَارٍ، عَنْ أَبِي صَالِحٍ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ ‏ “‏ الإِيمَانُ بِضْعٌ وَسِتُّونَ شُعْبَةً، وَالْحَيَاءُ شُعْبَةٌ مِنَ الإِيمَانِ

Sahih al-Bukhari

I have to note that even the most modest of women can still be sexually harassed or assaulted. It is not an impenetrable shield, it is a helper and modesty impacts so much more than just sexuality (mindset, actions, bond to faith, freedom etc), but that is another topic entirely.

Reclaim the Islamic Lifestyle

In this hyper-sexualized society that condones teenagers having premarital sex and advocates for annual slut-walks (people walk in lingerie or nude on public streets) which are coined as empowering, we as an ummah must reclaim the Islamic narrative and push for Islamic standards within our own communities. We cannot succumb to the lifestyle choices pushed on us in modern society, we must adhere to the sunnah as much as we can and follow the guidelines given to us from Allah

If we examine many of our lifestyle guidelines within our religion, we find that much of it is meant to protect us from these issues. Just to name two of these guidelines we can think of modesty and gender segregation.

Modesty (men and women) this is so much more than just the clothing on our backs. We must speak with a modest tongue, act in a modest way and conduct ourselves respectfully.

We know that the two genders are not to free-mix unnecessarily, that does not mean we cannot talk or work with them. We have countless examples from the sahaba of men and women interacting in a respectful manner. This means we interact in permissible ways, we can never be alone with them, we do not touch one another and our spouses should always be aware of these interactions

Final Thoughts

The prevalence of sexual harassment and abuse on the media is a psychological trigger for many men and women that have been victims. This stimulus brings up past emotional memories that need to find closure and it is natural for someone to feel safer in speaking up when they see others doing it first. We must seek truth and justice in all cases and as an ummah we must seek to hold true to our Islamic lifestyle. It is also important to remember it is not only women who are sexually harassed and abused, this happens to men and we can see that with the story of Yusuf (Alayhum us-Salaam).

Resources

Exposure, threat appraisal, and lost confidence as predictors of PTSD symptoms following September 11, 2001. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15792033

SELF. We Asked Trauma Therapists How to Deal With Triggering News Headlines About Sexual Assault. https://www.self.com/story/how-to-deal-with-triggering-news-headlines-about-sexual-assault