Molested by my uncle.
By Monique Hassan
A family ignoring the fact the Uncle is a sexual predator, forcing one of his victims to remain friendly with him and a woman desperate to escape this toxic environment. Original counseling answer posted on AboutIslam
It took a lot of courage to write in and express such a painful topic. Thank you for trusting us with the opportunity to provide guidance.
It is my understanding you experienced molestation by your uncle from your toddler years and into adolescence. Your family is dismissive of what happened to the extent that they accuse you of somehow being accountable for what he did to you. I hope you realize they are 100% wrong and they will be held accountable for their role in your trauma.
Their actions (or lack thereof) cause you to experience those same feelings of helplessness, depression and that the people who were supposed to protect you are the ones you need protection from.
Dear Sister, I understand and empathize with your situation on a deeper level than you know. Please know you are never alone, and you are so strong, Inshallah you will rise above all of this.
“Fear not. Indeed, I am with you both; I hear and I see.” [Quran 20:46]
Forced Visitation
Under no circumstances is it acceptable to force you into being around this man. He sexually abuses children, he is a monster and you are most likely not the only one he has hurt nor will you be the last. You might be the only one who was strong enough to say something.
I know this won’t be easy, but I advise refusing to be around him and making it clear if he is allowed to be present then you will not. Your mother is apparently a witness as she knew about him doing it when you were only 2 years old. Try to ask your mother to support you in this act, she tried to advocate for you before, she might again.
Marriage
You asked about getting married to move out and escape this situation. You are at a great age for marriage, but the decision to marry should not be made out of desperation and despair. It should be a choice you want to make, not a choice you have to make.
That being said, if you have a genuine interest in someone for marriage for more than just an escape plan then it is a great option to consider. This home environment is toxic and contributing to your depression, and a change of scenery with a supportive household could really help inshallah.
I need to highlight something, you have experienced a lot of trauma. It is advisable to make sure you are ready emotionally for marriage before taking that step and select someone you can feel safe with and confide in.
To be clear, if you only want marriage to escape your home then you may end up in a bad marriage that only increases your pain.
Coping Skills and Self-Talk
You mentioned keeping yourself busy and concentrating on other things. It is good to identify at least 3 positive coping skills you can employ when triggered. Such as creating artwork, journaling, trying new recipes or going for a walk in a favorite location. Think about what activities help you reign in your emotions and feel better.
Your emotions, thoughts and actions are all linked. This means we can work on altering those negative emotions by changing your thoughts and actions. I would like you to get a pen and paper, let yourself feel those painful emotions and take notice of your thoughts. Write those hurtful thoughts down on paper. For example, someone in your situation may think “no one cares, I’m weak”.
Once you have identified some of your negative thoughts it is time to debate them. Using the same example, we would write down a rational thought to debate the painful one. Such as, “they love me, but they are oppressed by culture and afraid to do the right thing, I am stronger than them in this and will not tolerate any more abuse”.
Let’s extend this idea of debating your painful thoughts on paper and try to practice this in real time. If something triggers those painful memories or feelings, you can use the same concept except do it in your mind. Talk to yourself internally during difficult moments while seeking refuge in Allah (Swt).
Forgiveness
This one is easier said than done but bear in mind it is for you and Allah (SWT) not for him. When we hold onto our past traumas and let the scars reopen, we are giving power to the pain allowing it to continuously hurt us. Learning to forgive does not mean you forget; does not mean you condone and does not mean you have to be friendly with him. It simply means you let go of it and trust in Allah (SWT) to handle it. Remember Sister, Allah (SWT) will hold to account those that spread evil and corruption.
“and seek help through patience and prayer, and indeed, it is difficult except for the humbly submissive [to Allah]” [Quran 2:45]
This also means forgiving the rest of your family. Try to sit down with your mother and ask her if the family would consider counseling. Having a mediator increases accountability for what is said and helps keep the situation calm. Forgiveness is a struggle, but perhaps that is part of the reason forgiveness and mercy is so highlighted in Islam.
Duaas
You asked about specific duaas (supplications) for your situation. Sister, speak from the heart. You can say duaa in whatever language you like, whenever you like and for whatever you like provided it is appropriate.
The Prophet (ﷺ) used to say, “O Allah! I seek refuge with You from worry and grief, from incapacity and laziness, from cowardice and miserliness, from being heavily in debt and from being overpowered by (other) men.” [Bukhari]
Final Thoughts
You took a brave step writing into us, keep on this path of healing Sister and inshallah it will get easier.
Continue to make duaa
Be aware of your negative thoughts and debate them
Initiate getting your parents into counseling with you or at least sitting down talking honestly. Consider someone to advocate for you as a mediator if without a counselor
Forgive for yourself and Allah (SWT)
Self-advocate for your right not to be exposed to this man
Please only seek out a marriage if you truly want to be married and are ready for this commitment; your marriage should be a celebration, not a rescue operation. It is through Allah (SWT) that we can find healing in the warmth and light of our connection to the Quran, read it with an open heart and let it console you.
May Allah (SWT) heal your heart, guide your family and protect you.
Ameen.
Husband Threatens Me with Suicide; Is This Normal
By Monique Hassan
Original Posted on AboutIslam
Sister wrote in for advice about a husband that threatens suicide whenever things don’t go his way, he is manipulative and she is striving to live a pious lifestyle but doesn’t know how to handle him. To read the original counseling question, visit this link
To begin, let me be very clear. It is NOT normal for a spouse to threaten suicide. It is not normal for anyone to threaten suicide to anyone else. I never take mentions of suicide lightly, so please if at any time you feel he will be of risk to himself or anyone else, immediately notify appropriate authorities and family/friends that can help.
That being said, we need to look at the information you provided. He threatens you with suicide when things don’t go the way he would prefer. He verbally abuses you, and your family has never felt good about this man. You make statements such as “I did many mistakes”, “I made the mistake of almost being scammed”, “burdened with my mistake” and he specifically states he will kill himself over these alleged mistakes. (note I said alleged).
Sister, I need to be honest with you, and I don’t think this will surprise you. This man sounds manipulative and this brings up gaslighting.
Gaslighting within romantic relationships is a form of psychological manipulation where the victim is groomed into questioning their own perceptions, memory, and abilities. Relating this to what you describe, it seems as though you are already questioning your own abilities and perceive yourself as frequently making mistakes.
Sister, no one is perfect, and we all have our ups and downs in life but when a spouse highlights the downs and repeatedly blames them to the extent they threaten self-harm, then no, this is not a stable or healthy environment.
Religious Lifestyle
I commend you for wanting to strive for a lifestyle in line with the guidance of Islam. You call this man religious and mention you sacrificed everything for his happiness, yet he is not grateful.
Ask yourself something sister, what defines a religious man? Multiple verses of the Quran and hadithillustrate examples of piety. Here are a few in line with your situation.
Treatment of Others
How your husband decides to treat you says a lot about his piety. A man or woman that strives for God-consciousness should be aware they are accountable for how they treat their spouse.
“Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, “The believers who show the most perfect Faith are those who have the best behavior, and the best of you are those who are the best to their wives”. [At-Tirmidhi]
“Kind speech and forgiveness are better than charity followed by injury”. [Quran 2:263]
Character
“Abu Ad-Dardh narrated that the Messenger of Allah said: “Nothing is placed on the Scale that is heavier than good character. Indeed the person with good character will have attained the rank of the person of fasting and prayer.” [At-Tirmidhi]
Hardships will happen in every marriage, but a person who strives to be a good Muslim should aim for gratitude and appreciation. They would highlight the positives and make their spouse feel appreciated.
“…If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]…” [Quran 14:7]
In relation to marriage, the Quran describes our spouses as a source of affection and mercy. Again, highlighting the good and kind character that we should demonstrate.
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought”. [Quran 30:21]
I encourage you to sit and really think about this for a moment. You mention wanting a halal lifestyle and a religious husband. Do you think your current relationship dynamic is indicative of piety and Islamic character?
Leave or Stay
You asked if you should divorce him before involving children. Until this situation is resolved, I would not involve children, but how you resolve this is up to you.
Leave
If you know in your heart that you want a divorce, then don’t drag it on any further. If you believe that this man will not change and this type of behavior will continue, then I encourage you to go to your family for help in seeking a divorce. Please be prepared he may try to fight it, but you don’t need his permission to leave.
I would advise seeking out personal counseling to help you recover if you decide to leave. The emotional scars of verbal abuse and manipulation don’t go away overnight. You can do this online if you prefer. Or you can ask your local Islamic community about Islamic counseling in your area. One resource for Muslims in the UK is Sakoon.
Seek help through prayer, read the Quran daily and allow yourself to be vulnerable with family. They only want you to be happy and have the best life you can.
Stay
If you don’t want to divorce him, then I strongly suggest marriage counseling from an Islamic perspective. It is not advisable to try and work these issues out alone. As your family has never supported this marriage, it is doubtful they could be an unbiased mediator.
You can do marriage counseling in person or online, depends on where you are located. I personally suggest Noor Human Consulting who works a lot with marriages.
If you decide to try and work things out, it is important you are completely honest with him and he needs to recognize when his thought patterns and choice of words are harmful. Your husband needs to understand this type of behavior cannot continue and if he refuses to seek counseling with you then he is refusing to help the marriage succeed.
Again, this is your decision to make, sister. Talk to someone you trust that knows both of you. It can help you to say these things out loud and discuss them in order to make a definite decision.
Final Thoughts
To summarize your options moving forward, if you choose to stay, then seek out marital counseling as soon as able. Do not put this off and make sure he understands you are serious about this and the harmful behavior must stop.
If you choose to leave, then reach out to the family for help and consider personal counseling as you heal.
Remember sister, religiousness/piety is not defined by the rituals and restrictions we do in front of others. It is about our intentions, our heart, and our character while performing those actions. How we treat our spouses and family is a direct reflection of our own heart and piety.
Make duaa for guidance and inshallah you will make the best choice.
Amen,