Spirituality Within Sexuality

By Monique Hassan

Those moments of intimacy and sexuality with your spouse, those special moments when no matter how much noise might be outside of the window, you are only aware of each other. That deep connection which is connected to your trust, vulnerability, emotions and your faith. 

Edited blog, original posted on PsychCentral here, 

Sex , when done in an ethical and halal manner, can not only be connected to your spirituality it can be a spiritual boost. For far too long, people have associated religion and spirituality with caged sexuality and something shameful. As if religious followers are not allowed to enjoy intimacy and they are limited only to missionary with the lights off. Sexuality does not diminish one’s modesty nor is it inappropriate for a woman to be highly sexual. One can still maintain modesty while being completely the opposite in the bedroom.

Some take the stance sex is meant for creating children and nothing more, but I do not know of any religion that truly condemns sexuality as some shameful act. Sure, many religions have conditions surrounding sexuality such as they state it cannot occur till after marriage or restrictions are put on engaging in sex during a woman’s menses, but this does not mean sexuality is shameful or discouraged. It simply means it has a correct place and time, it is not a free for all.

“…in man’s sexual Intercourse (with his wife, ) there is a Sadaqa. They (the Companions) said: Messenger of Allah, is there reward for him who satisfies his sexual passion among us? He said: Tell me, if he were to devote it to something forbidden, would it not be a sin on his part? Similarly, if he were to devote it to something lawful, he should have a reward.”

[Muslim]

Sex as a Spiritual Boost

When we frame sexuality as a blessing and we are grateful for it, we are more likely to treat it with care. If you abide by the rules of your faith and see sexuality as a pleasurable blessing meant to be shared between you and your loved one, you will benefit more spiritually from that connection .

Think of it like this, within religion and spirituality, striving to do acts which are permitted and finding joy and gratitude in those acts  is showing gratitude and enjoying the blessings bestowed upon us. When someone with faith appreciates their blessings and enjoys them, it is an act of worship.

Sexuality is also a way to give to your spouse and be generous. Sexuality should not be approached with a selfish attitude of “get what I want and leave.” Taking the time to make it pleasurable for your spouse and keeping their needs in mind is serving your spouse, which is a form of worship when you are enjoining good with them.

Mental Health Benefits of Sexuality

When you orgasm, you release prolactin. This hormone is associated with feelings of relaxation and can help you sleep better. Additionally, studies show women that get more  sleep often have higher libidos.  Healthy sleep impacts our ability to focus, our mood and even our appetite.

A healthy sex life can help you reduce anxiety and depression. Oxytocin is released during foreplay and sex,  this lovely hormone helps reduce anxiety and is linked to empathy and generosity. That natural high people achieve when they do an intense workout at the gym is the same natural high you can get from making love to your spouse.

Sex can boost your self-esteem if your partner makes you feel desired and seductive. Beautifully, your self-esteem is also lifted when you realize you are providing intense pleasure for them. Imagine making your wife or husband scream, it makes you feel good about yourself doesn’t it?

Marital Benefits of Sexuality

During foreplay, oxytocin is released which impacts bonding. That closeness you feel with your partner during sex can extend beyond the bedroom and improve your overall bond. It is not a surprise that many people joke about “make up sex” as it is a way to reconnect and heal, even if you were yelling 30 minutes prior.

Unhealthy and unfulfilling sex lives are linked to a higher chance of divorce. A healthy sex life that is full of exploration, depth and openness can provide a happier marriage. That is not to say that sex can cure all marriage issues, but it certainly can help.

Communication is often improved by couples that are more willing to explore their sexuality together. Trust is a component of any healthy relationship. Often, intimacy requires feeling vulnerable and open. When we are that exposed to someone else and we invite them into it, we are building trust.

Final Thoughts

You know those transcendental moments of love, ecstasy and bliss. What a blessing from Allah (the most revered, most glorified) sexuality is. In those special moments, you are connecting to the love of your life in an emotional, spiritual and loving way. It is a blessing we should be gratefulfor. Sexuality is not against religion and spirituality; it aligns with a deeper spiritual connection, gratitude for this special act and a way to serve your spouse

Does Islam Need Feminism?

Feminism is a hot topic right now with a lot of misunderstandings and sharp opinions. By definition, feminism is the advocacy of women’s rights based on the equality of the sexes. Equality between sexes does not mean men and women are the same, we know that is not true. It means they should be given the same opportunities and respect regardless of gender and within the context of Islamic feminism, their Islamic rights must be upheld.

Islam advocates for the good treatment of women and pushed for female rights during a time when many cultures viewed women as a lesser gender and some even questioned if women had a soul. For example, Islam gave women the right to inherit and own property, stopped the infanticide of females and gave women the right to divorce as well as deny marrying someone. Yet someone reading this right now is saying “women can’t divorce in Islam without the husband agreeing” and that person just proved a point I will unpack later because that is not true.

These examples along with others cause some to claim that the Prophet (peace be upon him) was the original feminist. Whether or not this term applies, we can all agree he was an advocate for female rights. Imagine a time when abused women had no rights, female babies were buried alive and marriage practices were often forced and oppressive. Widows became the property of the next male kin in the family along with all of the possessions the husband left behind. She was not given any inheritance rather she became part of the inheritance to another man, as if she was a piece of furniture. Undoubtedly, the Prophet (saws) was an advocate for the marginalized.

So far, this all sounds like Islam came to protect women. So why the rise in Islamic feminists? Why are so many male and female Muslims standing up to say Islam needs feminism?

Waves of Feminism

Before we dive into Islamic feminism, we need to grasp how this all began. The first wave of feminism was seen in 1848. This wave focused on the right to vote and was spearheaded by two abolitionist females that were barred from attending the anti-slavery convention in London. In 1870 African-American men earned the right to vote and this greatly motivated suffragettes as no one expected ex-slaves to be granted voting rights before women. While voting was the main focus, the first wave feminists also advocated for equal opportunity to education, employment and owning property. These were radical ideas for the time. It was not until 1920 that women were granted the right to vote.

The second wave begins in 1963. This wave focused on the cultural archetype that women belonged at home and had no place or desire to seek anything outside of child rearing and housework. A book titled The Feminine Mystique acted as social media does for us now and brought together many women. It spread rapidly and began inspiring women towards social advocacy. During this wave, the right to birth control was enacted, educational and employment acts were passed by congress along with the famous Roe VS Wade case that gave women reproductive rights. Even marital rape was finally recognized as an injustice towards women.

The third wave began around 1990 with a focus on claiming female beauty as ours, not a product for men. While the first two waves would label painful high heels and an hour of makeup as patriarchal oppression, the third wave sought to own their female beauty. Essentially saying we can wear high heels with red lipstick and that does not take away our brains nor does it mean we wear it for men. Some people refer to this wave as “girly feminism”.

Currently we are in the midst of what some label the fourth wave, some claim it is still the third while others say the fourth wave has not truly launched. Semantics aside, we are in a “call out” culture that puts emphasis on social media, sexuality, spreading awareness and a great example is the popular #metoo movement.

Islamic feminism pulls from all of these waves. Whether it be regarding legislation, education, cultural archetypes, displays of beauty or sexuality, Islamic feminism is talking about it. We can label it the modern day Islamic wave of feminism.

Islamic Sexuality Oppressed

In the earliest days of Islam, people would talk about sexuality in a mature and adult fashion. We have numerous narrations of people asking the Prophet (saws) questions regarding sexuality. Some of these topics were erectile dysfunction, foreplay and permissible sexual positions. In the book “A Taste of Honey” that sums up Islamic sexuality, he notes that the Prophet (saws) advocated for foreplay as a necessary action for women and seen it as wrong to deny them foreplay and satisfaction.

Can you even imagine Imams talking about this now? These conversations do not happen as much as they should. The Islamic community has become overly conservative when it comes to discussing these topics and as such, many Sisters feel unable to be free sexually or fully satisfied.

This has evolved into some Muslims feeling that it is immodest or shameful for a woman to have a high sex drive or be experimental with her husband. Sexuality is a gift from Allah (most honored, most revered) and that gift is for both men and women. I have read numerous articles and social media posts where Brothers try to assert that women do not have a need to climax nor do they have the same desire.

A popular online writer, Becoming the Alpha Muslim, had a FB post where many Brothers were asserting it was the woman’s fault and her own psychological limitation if she was not satisfied with her husband sexually. I have to wonder if they would say the same thing if the man was not satisfied with his wife.   

Islamic Rights Oppressed

Islam has put in place specific rights for males, females and family members. We can think of them as base guidelines on how to treat those around you and ensure they are taken care of. Each marriage and family has their own unique dynamics, in some cases, people may actually waive some of those rights but that can never be forced. The problems arise when Islamic rights are denied.

We see this when inheritance is taken by the older Uncle instead of the daughter and her money is spent. He excuses this by saying she is too young or he knows how to handle money better, but that inheritance is her right. Sometimes we see a husband forces his new wife to live with his Mother instead of giving her a private space of her own and furthermore expects her to serve his Mother. That is denying her the rights of a wife and I do not need to explain how many Mother-in-law issues we have currently.

Mosque

A woman has the right to pray at a mosque just as a man and it is forbidden to deny her this, but we all know this is happening in our communities. Even if the man does not explicitly say, “I don’t want you here” (as many do) websites like Side Entrance illustrate how poor some of the female prayer areas are. As if they are discouraging women to attend the mosque and could care less about their spirituality.

When you shove women into a basement not even half the quality of the main prayer area, where they cannot even see and properly hear the Imam, do not tell me you care at all about their faith. This concept of separate prayer rooms did not happen during the time of the Prophet (saws) because back then male accountability was enforced, not women being accountable for men who do not lower their gaze.

Divorce

Some Brothers believe their wives cannot divorce them unless they agree to it. (I said we would get back to this)  Let us pause for a moment, how would that work with abused women? Do you actually believe a man who beats his wife will say, “Sure hunny, I divorce you” or will he beat her for asking? A woman can divorce a man, it is called a khula and I recall a specific situation where a young revert exercised this right to divorce her abusive husband who also happened to be an Imam. He tried to assert she could not do it so she took him to the local shura council and they reminded him of her rights, she got her divorce.

From these few examples I highlighted, we see Islamic rights which were granted to the women from Allah (swt) being denied. Often the men may actually believe this is just or somehow in line with Islam, when in actuality, this is culture and it is against Islam.

Cultural Oppression

Recently I saw a situation where a husband wanted to marry someone else because his wife gave him two healthy baby girls instead of a male. The Prophet Mohamed (saws) put emphasis on the blessing of having female children yet culturally some Brothers still take the stance that a male child is superior. This is a baby, yet some will wrongfully label a male baby as superior due to their culture.

Anas (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “Whoever supports two girls till they attain maturity, he and I will come on the Day of Resurrection like this”. Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) joined his fingers illustrating this.

[Muslim]

Some of the expectations within culture put a woman in a cage and tell her to obey. She is denied the freedom to speak her mind truthfully or disagree. Yet wives of the Prophet (saws) did not always agree with him and a woman even publically disagreed with Omar (ra) who was known for being strong-minded and he commended her for it. You can only cage people for so long before they seek to burn down the cage.

Summary

All of this illustrates that within Islamic culture, some women are not able to be sexually free with their husbands and feel like their satisfaction pales in comparison to his needs. Some Sisters struggle with their fundamental Islamic rights being denied.

Cultural beliefs are causing Sisters to feel less appreciated and their voice not recognized. We have areas with a lot of room for improvement.

My Own Take

When you come into Islam as a new Muslim woman, you expect to see such honor and high regard for women but the truth is Muslims are humans and as such are fallible. What I have seen has made me realize there is a reason why so many people stereotype Islam as oppressive. There is a reason why so many people think Muslim women are marginalized. If I may be so bold, if I had interacted with Muslim culture prior to studying Quran I would have ran away. Alhamdulillah that I focused on the religion and not the culture.

Instead of debating with feminists and arguing that Islam has no need for feminism, we should start asking why so many women feel they are oppressed. What is happening that so many men and women are speaking out for the rights of women? Something has to be causing this and those that reduce feminism to nothing more than “angry man haters who don’t respect men” are trivializing real issues and real injustice.

If you read the Quran without any cultural or media influence you get a feeling of protection for women, honoring women and equal rewards for male and female.

“…Never will I allow to be lost the work of [any] worker among you, whether male or female; you are of one another…”

[Quran 3:195]

From my perspective as a revert, Islam in itself does not need feminism, but the Islamic culture does. Call it by any name you like, perhaps the word feminism is jarring and I personally do not identify as a feminist as I do not love labels. We can say the Islamic culture needs justice for genders, the culture needs to take a step back and the deen take a step forward.

The Psychology of Islamic Modesty

By Monique Hassan

What is modesty and what does it mean to you?

This is a question I believe all believers need to ask themselves. Modesty is an element found within many religions, it is a characteristic aligning with piety and respect. That is not to say that all who demonstrate modesty are pious, unfortunately, many look the part yet they do not act it. Ultimately, the psychology of Islamic modesty and self-respect are important aspects of Islamic character.

The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “Faith (Belief) consists of more than sixty branches (i.e. parts). And Haya (This term “Haya” covers a large number of concepts which are to be taken together; amongst them are self respect, modesty, bashfulness, and scruple, etc.) is a part of faith.

حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مُحَمَّدٍ، قَالَ حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو عَامِرٍ الْعَقَدِيُّ، قَالَ حَدَّثَنَا سُلَيْمَانُ بْنُ بِلاَلٍ، عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ دِينَارٍ، عَنْ أَبِي صَالِحٍ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ ‏ “‏ الإِيمَانُ بِضْعٌ وَسِتُّونَ شُعْبَةً، وَالْحَيَاءُ شُعْبَةٌ مِنَ الإِيمَانِ

Sahih al-Bukhari

Some will give answers such as modesty is how we dress, our clothing should not be provocative or indecent. Sure, this is part of it. Modesty goes much deeper than just the clothing on our backs though. Modesty does involve protection of one’s chastity, but this is not the sole intention or benefit of modesty. A modest sister or brother avoids arrogant and disrespectful words, they do not boast nor backbite and they maintain a level pattern of speech.

And do not turn your cheek [in contempt] toward people and do not walk through the earth exultantly. Indeed, Allah does not like everyone self-deluded and boastful. And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys.

وَلَا تُصَعِّرْ خَدَّكَ لِلنَّاسِ وَلَا تَمْشِ فِي الْأَرْضِ مَرَحًا ۖ إِنَّ اللَّهَ لَا يُحِبُّ كُلَّ مُخْتَالٍ فَخُورٍ

وَاقْصِدْ فِي مَشْيِكَ وَاغْضُضْ مِنْ صَوْتِكَ ۚ إِنَّ أَنْكَرَ الْأَصْوَاتِ لَصَوْتُ الْحَمِيرِ

Quran 31: 18-19

A modest individual takes into account their external appearance, how they talk to others, how they interact with their environment, their perspective is humbled and they strive for patience. In this we can see that Islamic modesty is much more than just dressing properly and lowering one’s gaze. It extends to the physical and mental. For example, a woman could be in a loose abaya with a long khimar, but if she is yelling at someone crudely on the street while waving her arms around she is not displaying modesty in her behavior.

How the Veil Impacts us Psychologically

To be clear, when I state the veil I am referring to the Islamic head covering and clothing. This could be associated with the niqab (only eyes show) or a head covering which shows the face fully.

When a sister dawns her veil for the first time, specifically when it is with the intention to wear it full-time, this has an emotional impact on her. It is more than just covering our head and aspects of beauty; it is a decision to be identified as a believer even if that means doing so amongst disbelievers and standing out as different. For those of us in western cultures, the veil is a walking shahada declaring your faith to the world. Absolutely, the Islamic Veil impacts you psychologically. Islamic modesty impacts our behavior, our emotions and all of this impacts our thought patterns.

You become more self-aware and have to remember that every action we do or don’t do, will be perceived as a perception of Islam. If a covered sister is rude, people will associate rudeness with Islam. If a covered sister is very patient and generous, people will then associate this positivity with Islam. This is an added level of anxiety for many in the west as we are expected to be exceptional billboards of piety, but we must remember no one is perfect.

Veiled sisters are choosing to alter their identity; they are seen as Muslim before anything else. This is more apparent in western cultures where the veiled woman will stand out and be more noticeable than other women around them. This makes some feel exposed and they begin to feel vulnerable, this fear escalates into anxiety and all too many debate removing their veil. In these moments of anxiety, it is important to remember why we cover. It is not for anyone, it is for Allah

And Allah is most knowing of your enemies; and sufficient is Allah as an ally, and sufficient is Allah as a protector.

وَاللَّهُ أَعْلَمُ بِأَعْدَائِكُمْ ۚ وَكَفَىٰ بِاللَّهِ وَلِيًّا وَكَفَىٰ بِاللَّهِ نَصِيرًا

Quran 4:45

Speaking Modestly

If we consider the impact of speaking modestly to others, we can see a great benefit and wisdom in this. Others will perceive us as being more patient, respectable and mindful. Anyone can yell or use crude language, but it takes more effort to present ourselves with calmness and truly listen to others to understand, not to respond.

We can gain more knowledge ourselves by actively listening and showing others this basic respect. In practicing this we are able to better understand different perspectives and in turn we can better defend our positions with intelligent and respectful words when we do disagree.

One’s career and family life are positively impacted such as if people know Brother Omar has a reputation for being modest and kind in his speech, they will be more likely to engage with Brother Omar and listen to his perspective. If Brother Omar was known for being rude and arrogant in his speech, people will go out of their way to avoid him and his voice will carry less weight.

Modesty as a Protection from Arrogance

We know arrogance is dangerous for Muslims and it is the opposite of humility and goes against modesty. This is not only a negative personality trait, original sin stems from pride and arrogance which we see in the account of Iblis (Shaytan) refusing to bow .

A believer that attempts to embrace modesty is also striving against arrogance. They are striving to become better in their representation of Islam and their obedience. That being said, sometimes modest clothing becomes a source of arrogance and this is a problem. A believer must be very cautious not to get trapped into thought patterns like “I am so modest, I am the best Muslim” or “That sister is not modest, what is wrong with her”. When this starts to happen, a seed of arrogance is blossoming from within and it will be in defiance of true modesty. As already mentioned, modesty is much more than just our clothing.

The external is often a reflection of the internal, thus we can say that a modestly dressed believer is showing their inner modesty. This is true much of the time, but not always. We must be mindful and self-aware to recognize when our external modesty is not lining up with the internal.

Final Thoughts

The psychology of Islamic modesty shows that modesty is more than just obedience; it is like many aspects of our faith, a blessing. At least 5 times a day we are bowing in submission and humility to Allah . In these moments we should be at our most modest internally and externally. We should feel a remembrance of the mercy and blessings we receive on a daily basis. The prayer mat is the place where the ultimate love story unfolds, our submission to our creator and our sustainer. Our modesty is a part of that submission and as we work to strengthen our modesty, we strengthen our bond to our faith.

So now I will ask again and I hope to see your answers. What is modesty and what does it mean to you?