Husband Threatens Me with Suicide; Is This Normal
By Monique Hassan
Original Posted on AboutIslam
Sister wrote in for advice about a husband that threatens suicide whenever things don’t go his way, he is manipulative and she is striving to live a pious lifestyle but doesn’t know how to handle him. To read the original counseling question, visit this link
To begin, let me be very clear. It is NOT normal for a spouse to threaten suicide. It is not normal for anyone to threaten suicide to anyone else. I never take mentions of suicide lightly, so please if at any time you feel he will be of risk to himself or anyone else, immediately notify appropriate authorities and family/friends that can help.
That being said, we need to look at the information you provided. He threatens you with suicide when things don’t go the way he would prefer. He verbally abuses you, and your family has never felt good about this man. You make statements such as “I did many mistakes”, “I made the mistake of almost being scammed”, “burdened with my mistake” and he specifically states he will kill himself over these alleged mistakes. (note I said alleged).
Sister, I need to be honest with you, and I don’t think this will surprise you. This man sounds manipulative and this brings up gaslighting.
Gaslighting within romantic relationships is a form of psychological manipulation where the victim is groomed into questioning their own perceptions, memory, and abilities. Relating this to what you describe, it seems as though you are already questioning your own abilities and perceive yourself as frequently making mistakes.
Sister, no one is perfect, and we all have our ups and downs in life but when a spouse highlights the downs and repeatedly blames them to the extent they threaten self-harm, then no, this is not a stable or healthy environment.
Religious Lifestyle
I commend you for wanting to strive for a lifestyle in line with the guidance of Islam. You call this man religious and mention you sacrificed everything for his happiness, yet he is not grateful.
Ask yourself something sister, what defines a religious man? Multiple verses of the Quran and hadithillustrate examples of piety. Here are a few in line with your situation.
Treatment of Others
How your husband decides to treat you says a lot about his piety. A man or woman that strives for God-consciousness should be aware they are accountable for how they treat their spouse.
“Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, “The believers who show the most perfect Faith are those who have the best behavior, and the best of you are those who are the best to their wives”. [At-Tirmidhi]
“Kind speech and forgiveness are better than charity followed by injury”. [Quran 2:263]
Character
“Abu Ad-Dardh narrated that the Messenger of Allah said: “Nothing is placed on the Scale that is heavier than good character. Indeed the person with good character will have attained the rank of the person of fasting and prayer.” [At-Tirmidhi]
Hardships will happen in every marriage, but a person who strives to be a good Muslim should aim for gratitude and appreciation. They would highlight the positives and make their spouse feel appreciated.
“…If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]…” [Quran 14:7]
In relation to marriage, the Quran describes our spouses as a source of affection and mercy. Again, highlighting the good and kind character that we should demonstrate.
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought”. [Quran 30:21]
I encourage you to sit and really think about this for a moment. You mention wanting a halal lifestyle and a religious husband. Do you think your current relationship dynamic is indicative of piety and Islamic character?
Leave or Stay
You asked if you should divorce him before involving children. Until this situation is resolved, I would not involve children, but how you resolve this is up to you.
Leave
If you know in your heart that you want a divorce, then don’t drag it on any further. If you believe that this man will not change and this type of behavior will continue, then I encourage you to go to your family for help in seeking a divorce. Please be prepared he may try to fight it, but you don’t need his permission to leave.
I would advise seeking out personal counseling to help you recover if you decide to leave. The emotional scars of verbal abuse and manipulation don’t go away overnight. You can do this online if you prefer. Or you can ask your local Islamic community about Islamic counseling in your area. One resource for Muslims in the UK is Sakoon.
Seek help through prayer, read the Quran daily and allow yourself to be vulnerable with family. They only want you to be happy and have the best life you can.
Stay
If you don’t want to divorce him, then I strongly suggest marriage counseling from an Islamic perspective. It is not advisable to try and work these issues out alone. As your family has never supported this marriage, it is doubtful they could be an unbiased mediator.
You can do marriage counseling in person or online, depends on where you are located. I personally suggest Noor Human Consulting who works a lot with marriages.
If you decide to try and work things out, it is important you are completely honest with him and he needs to recognize when his thought patterns and choice of words are harmful. Your husband needs to understand this type of behavior cannot continue and if he refuses to seek counseling with you then he is refusing to help the marriage succeed.
Again, this is your decision to make, sister. Talk to someone you trust that knows both of you. It can help you to say these things out loud and discuss them in order to make a definite decision.
Final Thoughts
To summarize your options moving forward, if you choose to stay, then seek out marital counseling as soon as able. Do not put this off and make sure he understands you are serious about this and the harmful behavior must stop.
If you choose to leave, then reach out to the family for help and consider personal counseling as you heal.
Remember sister, religiousness/piety is not defined by the rituals and restrictions we do in front of others. It is about our intentions, our heart, and our character while performing those actions. How we treat our spouses and family is a direct reflection of our own heart and piety.
Make duaa for guidance and inshallah you will make the best choice.
Amen,
The Psychology of Islamic Modesty
By Monique Hassan
What is modesty and what does it mean to you?
This is a question I believe all believers need to ask themselves. Modesty is an element found within many religions, it is a characteristic aligning with piety and respect. That is not to say that all who demonstrate modesty are pious, unfortunately, many look the part yet they do not act it. Ultimately, the psychology of Islamic modesty and self-respect are important aspects of Islamic character.
The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “Faith (Belief) consists of more than sixty branches (i.e. parts). And Haya (This term “Haya” covers a large number of concepts which are to be taken together; amongst them are self respect, modesty, bashfulness, and scruple, etc.) is a part of faith.
حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مُحَمَّدٍ، قَالَ حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو عَامِرٍ الْعَقَدِيُّ، قَالَ حَدَّثَنَا سُلَيْمَانُ بْنُ بِلاَلٍ، عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ دِينَارٍ، عَنْ أَبِي صَالِحٍ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ “ الإِيمَانُ بِضْعٌ وَسِتُّونَ شُعْبَةً، وَالْحَيَاءُ شُعْبَةٌ مِنَ الإِيمَانِ
Some will give answers such as modesty is how we dress, our clothing should not be provocative or indecent. Sure, this is part of it. Modesty goes much deeper than just the clothing on our backs though. Modesty does involve protection of one’s chastity, but this is not the sole intention or benefit of modesty. A modest sister or brother avoids arrogant and disrespectful words, they do not boast nor backbite and they maintain a level pattern of speech.
And do not turn your cheek [in contempt] toward people and do not walk through the earth exultantly. Indeed, Allah does not like everyone self-deluded and boastful. And be moderate in your pace and lower your voice; indeed, the most disagreeable of sounds is the voice of donkeys.
وَلَا تُصَعِّرْ خَدَّكَ لِلنَّاسِ وَلَا تَمْشِ فِي الْأَرْضِ مَرَحًا ۖ إِنَّ اللَّهَ لَا يُحِبُّ كُلَّ مُخْتَالٍ فَخُورٍ
وَاقْصِدْ فِي مَشْيِكَ وَاغْضُضْ مِنْ صَوْتِكَ ۚ إِنَّ أَنْكَرَ الْأَصْوَاتِ لَصَوْتُ الْحَمِيرِ
Quran 31: 18-19
A modest individual takes into account their external appearance, how they talk to others, how they interact with their environment, their perspective is humbled and they strive for patience. In this we can see that Islamic modesty is much more than just dressing properly and lowering one’s gaze. It extends to the physical and mental. For example, a woman could be in a loose abaya with a long khimar, but if she is yelling at someone crudely on the street while waving her arms around she is not displaying modesty in her behavior.
How the Veil Impacts us Psychologically
To be clear, when I state the veil I am referring to the Islamic head covering and clothing. This could be associated with the niqab (only eyes show) or a head covering which shows the face fully.
When a sister dawns her veil for the first time, specifically when it is with the intention to wear it full-time, this has an emotional impact on her. It is more than just covering our head and aspects of beauty; it is a decision to be identified as a believer even if that means doing so amongst disbelievers and standing out as different. For those of us in western cultures, the veil is a walking shahada declaring your faith to the world. Absolutely, the Islamic Veil impacts you psychologically. Islamic modesty impacts our behavior, our emotions and all of this impacts our thought patterns.
You become more self-aware and have to remember that every action we do or don’t do, will be perceived as a perception of Islam. If a covered sister is rude, people will associate rudeness with Islam. If a covered sister is very patient and generous, people will then associate this positivity with Islam. This is an added level of anxiety for many in the west as we are expected to be exceptional billboards of piety, but we must remember no one is perfect.
Veiled sisters are choosing to alter their identity; they are seen as Muslim before anything else. This is more apparent in western cultures where the veiled woman will stand out and be more noticeable than other women around them. This makes some feel exposed and they begin to feel vulnerable, this fear escalates into anxiety and all too many debate removing their veil. In these moments of anxiety, it is important to remember why we cover. It is not for anyone, it is for Allah
And Allah is most knowing of your enemies; and sufficient is Allah as an ally, and sufficient is Allah as a protector.
وَاللَّهُ أَعْلَمُ بِأَعْدَائِكُمْ ۚ وَكَفَىٰ بِاللَّهِ وَلِيًّا وَكَفَىٰ بِاللَّهِ نَصِيرًا
Quran 4:45
Speaking Modestly
If we consider the impact of speaking modestly to others, we can see a great benefit and wisdom in this. Others will perceive us as being more patient, respectable and mindful. Anyone can yell or use crude language, but it takes more effort to present ourselves with calmness and truly listen to others to understand, not to respond.
We can gain more knowledge ourselves by actively listening and showing others this basic respect. In practicing this we are able to better understand different perspectives and in turn we can better defend our positions with intelligent and respectful words when we do disagree.
One’s career and family life are positively impacted such as if people know Brother Omar has a reputation for being modest and kind in his speech, they will be more likely to engage with Brother Omar and listen to his perspective. If Brother Omar was known for being rude and arrogant in his speech, people will go out of their way to avoid him and his voice will carry less weight.
Modesty as a Protection from Arrogance
We know arrogance is dangerous for Muslims and it is the opposite of humility and goes against modesty. This is not only a negative personality trait, original sin stems from pride and arrogance which we see in the account of Iblis (Shaytan) refusing to bow .
A believer that attempts to embrace modesty is also striving against arrogance. They are striving to become better in their representation of Islam and their obedience. That being said, sometimes modest clothing becomes a source of arrogance and this is a problem. A believer must be very cautious not to get trapped into thought patterns like “I am so modest, I am the best Muslim” or “That sister is not modest, what is wrong with her”. When this starts to happen, a seed of arrogance is blossoming from within and it will be in defiance of true modesty. As already mentioned, modesty is much more than just our clothing.
The external is often a reflection of the internal, thus we can say that a modestly dressed believer is showing their inner modesty. This is true much of the time, but not always. We must be mindful and self-aware to recognize when our external modesty is not lining up with the internal.
Final Thoughts
The psychology of Islamic modesty shows that modesty is more than just obedience; it is like many aspects of our faith, a blessing. At least 5 times a day we are bowing in submission and humility to Allah . In these moments we should be at our most modest internally and externally. We should feel a remembrance of the mercy and blessings we receive on a daily basis. The prayer mat is the place where the ultimate love story unfolds, our submission to our creator and our sustainer. Our modesty is a part of that submission and as we work to strengthen our modesty, we strengthen our bond to our faith.
So now I will ask again and I hope to see your answers. What is modesty and what does it mean to you?
Sexual Harassment Allegations in the Media Triggering Victims
By Monique Hassan
A growing number of sexual harassment allegations are currently seen in our media. One allegation has led to another like a domino effect. Some have taken the stance that the sexual harassment allegations are false and these are women attempting to force a feminist narrative while targeting influential men. I argue that sexual harassment allegations in the media can act as psychological triggers for survivors that previously did not speak out due to fear and other mediating factors.
This is not to say that all accusations are factual, we know that someone is innocent until proven guilty.
What is a Psychological Trigger
A trigger is a stimulus that acts as an alarm system, causing the person to recall an experience or a specific memory. They are transported back to this moment of trauma and it can be debilitating. The trigger itself may not be traumatic, but it can stimulate a previously traumatic event.
Triggers are unique and personal; what triggers one person will not trigger another. The survivor encountering a trigger will be transported back to that traumatic moment mentally and feel an emotional intensity similar to that of the time of the trauma. A person’s triggers are activated by anything that interacts with our senses. This means someone could smell the perfume their attacker wore, hear a loud noise similar to a gun or watch media stories about sexual harassment that cause their sexual harassment and/or assault to replay in their minds while bringing up unresolved emotions.
When a particular stimulus triggers an emotional memory, it could be a happy memory that brings a smile or it could be a painful memory that left them traumatized. Specific anniversary dates often trigger emotional memories in people. Such as, nearing the date when a loved one passed away, memories of that person become consciously present in our minds and we think back to the day it actually happened. One person may use therapeutic coping skills and handle this relatively well; another person may feel debilitating sadness.
Can Sexual Harassment in the Media act as a Psychological Trigger
Some research has suggested that viewing traumatic images in the media can cause PTSD-like symptoms. A study conducted in 2002 concluded that watching media coverage of 9/11 can trigger PTSD symptoms in the viewers. Additionally, the severity of their symptoms was correlated with the amount of time the subjects spent watching the media.
Psychologist Simon Rego states in a recent interview, reminders can be anything from visiting the place the assault occurred or hearing a story about sexual assault, which can provoke an intense emotional and psychological reaction.
We can deduce from this that survivors can be psychologically triggered by seeing constant media headlines about sexual harassment allegations.
We can also consider that survivors witnessing these stories may feel it is okay for them to speak out now because they won’t be alone, they might feel safer and feel that their voice can finally be heard.
Ways to Reduce Sexual Harassment Within the Ummah
If we consider that even half of these allegations are factual, we must acknowledge that sexual harassment and assault is a real problem in our society and this begs the question how we can stop it. Firstly, we should never shame or ridicule a woman or man that is accusing someone of this. Just as the accused is innocent until proven guilty, the accuser must also be given time to prove their case.
Brothers need to be reminded about their obligations in terms of modesty, it is their duty to show respect to women and lower their gaze. A brother that is constantly staring at women (other than their wife), watching pornography, disrespecting women and making flirtatious remarks is a part of this problem. They may not be guilty of sexual harassment, but they are feeding into the issue and enabling objectification of women.
Some women have adopted the belief that freedom means purposefully embracing the role of a sexual-figure and some sisters are abandoning modesty for provocative clothing. Yet these same women are shocked when a man addresses them with immodest words. This is not to say that a man has any justification to act wrongly towards a woman, he never does, but it is a reality check if you present yourself in a disrespectful and immodest fashions then you are opening the door wider to disrespectful and immodest reactions. It is a man’s job to respect a woman; it is a woman’s job to give the man something to respect.
The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “Faith (Belief) consists of more than sixty branches (i.e. parts). And Haya (This term “Haya” covers a large number of concepts which are to be taken together; amongst them are self respect, modesty, bashfulness, and scruple, etc.) is a part of faith.
حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مُحَمَّدٍ، قَالَ حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو عَامِرٍ الْعَقَدِيُّ، قَالَ حَدَّثَنَا سُلَيْمَانُ بْنُ بِلاَلٍ، عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ دِينَارٍ، عَنْ أَبِي صَالِحٍ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ “ الإِيمَانُ بِضْعٌ وَسِتُّونَ شُعْبَةً، وَالْحَيَاءُ شُعْبَةٌ مِنَ الإِيمَانِ
I have to note that even the most modest of women can still be sexually harassed or assaulted. It is not an impenetrable shield, it is a helper and modesty impacts so much more than just sexuality (mindset, actions, bond to faith, freedom etc), but that is another topic entirely.
Reclaim the Islamic Lifestyle
In this hyper-sexualized society that condones teenagers having premarital sex and advocates for annual slut-walks (people walk in lingerie or nude on public streets) which are coined as empowering, we as an ummah must reclaim the Islamic narrative and push for Islamic standards within our own communities. We cannot succumb to the lifestyle choices pushed on us in modern society, we must adhere to the sunnah as much as we can and follow the guidelines given to us from Allah
If we examine many of our lifestyle guidelines within our religion, we find that much of it is meant to protect us from these issues. Just to name two of these guidelines we can think of modesty and gender segregation.
Modesty (men and women) this is so much more than just the clothing on our backs. We must speak with a modest tongue, act in a modest way and conduct ourselves respectfully.
We know that the two genders are not to free-mix unnecessarily, that does not mean we cannot talk or work with them. We have countless examples from the sahaba of men and women interacting in a respectful manner. This means we interact in permissible ways, we can never be alone with them, we do not touch one another and our spouses should always be aware of these interactions
Final Thoughts
The prevalence of sexual harassment and abuse on the media is a psychological trigger for many men and women that have been victims. This stimulus brings up past emotional memories that need to find closure and it is natural for someone to feel safer in speaking up when they see others doing it first. We must seek truth and justice in all cases and as an ummah we must seek to hold true to our Islamic lifestyle. It is also important to remember it is not only women who are sexually harassed and abused, this happens to men and we can see that with the story of Yusuf (Alayhum us-Salaam).
Resources
Exposure, threat appraisal, and lost confidence as predictors of PTSD symptoms following September 11, 2001. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15792033
SELF. We Asked Trauma Therapists How to Deal With Triggering News Headlines About Sexual Assault. https://www.self.com/story/how-to-deal-with-triggering-news-headlines-about-sexual-assault
Race, Identity and Islam
Dr. Abdullah from Zaytuna College and Lampost joins me in a conversation on race and Islam. I got to ask him questions like "What is racism?", "Are Muslims a race?", "If Islam was meant to remove racism why are there racist Muslims?" We also discuss the notions of Arab superiority, multicultural marriages, "white as good" and "black as evil." We close the conversation with advice and tips on what to do about racism.
Lamppostproductions.com
Zaytuna.edu