Happy New Year 2019!

*Time is something you can't get back or buy more of.

*Know yourself as a creature in need and reduce your pain in life.

FIRST EPISODE OF 2019! TUNE IN NOW!

Things I Wish I Realised About Counselling Before Doing It…

By Nisreen F (originally posted on AMALIAH

I’m a big believer in therapy and think most of us do not get enough counsel in our lives nor do we prioritise this – going for counselling can be an extraordinary experience but ultimately an advantageous investment in trying to improve yourself and your life in general. We don’t tend to talk about the experience of counselling and what it entails, how to get the most of it, what to expect. When I first did it- I had my misconceptions about it. I’ve put here the top 6 points I didn’t realise before trying it for those of you who might be considering it.

1. It takes courage

First things first, know that by seeking help from a counsellor you are acknowledging there is something to work on in your life and that you’re willing to take steps to do this. Give yourself credit – this is your attempt to go in the right direction.

When I began participating in counselling, part of what is difficult, is that to progress I had to show my vulnerabilities that I struggle to deal with and face daily- I was genuinely very terrified of doing this.

Part of what compounds this fear is if previously you have tried exposing your wounds and ended up being reprimanded, shamed and ultimately hurt by doing this (Ironically this may be one of the reasons you are seeking counsel in the first place). Finding therapy is a step that says you’re prepared to be vulnerable and trust again. This step has to begin from you but taking it will ultimately mean healing can begin.

2. Prevention is better than cure

The more I participate in therapy or life coaching, as some call it, the more bizarre I think the idea of it being a stigma is. Regardless of what triggered your action to find a counsellor, you are internally actualising that there are aspects of your life and well-being you can improve. This statement can apply to practically every individual out there because really- at what point should a person stop striving for excellence in their life? We know that the answer is – never.

There seems to be a myth circulating which relays, that counselling is sought out during a crisis as a last resort.

We all know “prevention is better than cure”- why don’t we go to a counsellor to nurture ourselves and as a preventative means- to avoid this crisis point? We all know we should go to the doctor or dentist for regular check-ups on our physical health – we need to treat mental health similarly to help minimise long-term chronic issues, stresses, and angst

3. It builds a unique relationship with the therapist (in more ways than one)

This one is for your reassurance. By building a good rapport with your therapist, it becomes one of the most intimate relationships you have. As you may reveal things to them that you wouldn’t utter to anyone else. How is it that a total stranger quickly ends up knowing you, or rather- the messier parts of you and your life than others who you would deem close to you? I remember periods where I would feel a sense of confusion on what the outcome of the session was exactly. I would feel guilty, with a bitter taste of betrayal knowing that somehow I connected more intimately with a stranger than anyone else.

These feelings can be bothersome, partly because it already is hard to make sense of regardless. You’re in a vulnerable place and state, and it can take retrospect to understand better.

We see a counsellor once every week, after this, you both go your separate ways. You generally would not interact with this person outside of the session, and unlikely you would say hi if you see them in the street or see them in a casual setting. Yet we go to them for incredibly intimate problems about our lives, which can be a bizarre concept to come to terms with.

Finally, what adds to making the whole situation surreal – is that if your therapist is right, they won’t be projecting their own biases onto you as a means of helping you ( although they will have them- they are human too after all.) This is what most family and friends do.

A counsellor will find out more about you and then provide means of you harnessing your growth and facilitate your problem-solving path. Why is this strange? Well, it means that while the therapist is finding out all about you and helping you, it is not reciprocal – or certainly not to the same extent.

4) One size does not fit all

Something I didn’t know, was how counsellors use differing therapy approaches. Some use cognitive behavioural model, humanistic, or even person-centered . Although I don’t think it is essential to understand all the different types of approaches available, it is essential to know that therapists will vary in their techniques with you. If you don’t see you’re making progress with one, feel free to shop around for another- it is within your right to do so.

A therapist who cares about their clients won’t be offended and ultimately would want you to get the appropriate help you need. Don’t give up on therapy/counselling altogether just because it didn’t work one time with one therapist.

I would also add, that if you struggle to find a counsellor who uses an Islamic framework, I would not completely dismiss them if that is all you have access to.

As someone who has tried it with Muslim and non- Muslim counselling models, you can take some great gems of wisdom from both and reach a better level of self-improvement than if you didn’t do counselling at all. The only exception to this is if you need help with faith-specific goals (for example a crisis of faith).

5. Your mental health doesn’t just affect you

Whatever impacts you, is impacting your family, your friends and those around you. Sometimes people avoid seeking help because of fear of judgement from friends and family. It isn’t just the stigma, it can be hard for them to accept you need/want help and this can compound to a feeling of shame- like it is a sign they have failed and you have failed. Remember helping yourself is the beginning of helping others and those around you. Try to reverse the role- if you were seeing a family member or close friend struggling in their life- how much would you wish to see them thriving from their difficulty and coming out stronger, better and more fulfilled?

6. You won’t be ‘fixed’, but you can heal

Counsellors and therapists are healers. They can do so much in bringing out your best, showing you healthy ways of coping, help you map your emotional struggles to words, help you renew your faith and generally enlighten you with your potential to succeed.

When therapy works, it finds its way to make your darker shades lighter and shows your worthiness and sense of belonging regardless of your circumstances. They are not there to ‘fix’ you as a person is never meant to be fixed in the first place- instead, they can help you to heal and to know yourself better so that you can continually grow as a person.

Here are a few Muslim based resources to help you get started…

• MCAPN- have a directory of Muslim counsellors across the country. A lot will do online counselling.

• Noor Human Consulting- US based but will also do online counselling. They also hold a podcast talking about relevant issues relating to the Muslim community

• Inspirited Minds– faith-based counselling (mainly Muslim but will work with other people of other faiths).

Services that are not explicitly Muslim-based:

• Better Help – secure online service – good for those with busy schedules that require flexibility. They match you with someone based on the form you fill, and rates are reasonable compared to typical standards. Help Counselling– Based in Notting Hill, London- provide face to face psychotherapy and counselling. They accommodate the price based on your income/what you can afford. They also try to onboard counselling trainees to support the profession.

7 Tips to Make Your Week More Productive

By Monique Hassan

Another work week is here, time for excessive amounts of caffeine and a jungle of sticky notes. We all love the feeling of a productive day, that sense of accomplishment when we really made the most out of our time.

A common mindset is that greater productivity means working harder and for longer stints of time. Although this works for some people, this can lead to burnout and a decrease in focus.

Work Smarter Not Harder. Time is Valuable.

Here are 7 practical tips to make this week more productive.

1. 1. Start out the day right. Give yourself enough time to do at least 10 minutes of exercise in the morning. High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT) is great for this. Slow down during morning prayers. Eat a healthy breakfast aimed at fueling you.
   2. Positive Affirmations. Look in the mirror and tell yourself “I am successful, I believe in myself”. Be your own cheerleader!
   3. Schedule the day. Set goals for the day and outline when you will achieve them. Take this opportunity to set weekly goals as well. Be realistic and don’t overload yourself.
   4. Give up Perfection. We are often our own worst critic. Aim to complete your goals and take satisfaction in that. It is great to have high standards, but don’t burden yourself with unattainable levels of perfection.
   5. Stay Organized. Your environment can impact how you feel. An organized and clean environment is more conducive towards a productive and focused day.
   6. Take a Break. Downtime helps you re-charge. You can also assess what you have accomplished and what else needs to be done.
   7. Review Your Performance. Look back over the day and smile at what you achieved, make mental notes for what you can improve.

Increased productivity serves to boost your sense of accomplishment and self-worth. Don’t beat yourself up if you  don’t achieve every goal you set for the day, do the best that you can and keep moving forward. Reward yourself for accomplishments and identify areas you have room for improvement. The biggest room in the world is the room for improvement.

The Prophet  used to seek refuge in Allah  from laziness in the following duaa: “O Allah, I take refuge in You from anxiety and sorrow, weakness and laziness, miserliness and cowardice, the burden of debts and from being over powered by men.”  Sahih al-Bukhari 6369

Productivity in Islam

6 Tips to Move On From A Crush

Originally published on About Islam

QUESTION

I fell in love with one of my classmates at college, my dear friend, but I haven't seen him since we graduated a year ago. I miss him a lot and this causes unbearable pain and suffering. What shall I do? I feel lost.

RESPONSE by Karim Serageldin

As-Salaamu ’Alaikum sister,

I’m sorry to hear about your sadness and pain. I understand what it feels like to miss someone you endear. I will treat your situation as if you have a crush on your classmate since there is no indication that you two were in a mutual relationship. Tips to move on from your crush:

Naivety can be dangerous

Many people who have little relationship experience confuse someone being nice to them liking or loving you. It is not the same! I know someone who believed a co-worker was in love with her just because he sat with her at the cafeteria to talk during lunch break. This person “waited” for three years to get a proposal when the evidence clearly indicated that he did not love her but was just being cordial.

Accept that you have crush

Once you realize that he may not have the same feelings as you, the reality becomes clear- it is mostly in your mind. Look in the mirror and admit to yourself that you have a crush and that he does not think or feel about you in the way you hoped. I know this is hard but so is living in a fantasy which has led to suffering and pain for one year!

Recognize it may be best

You may not be compatible as a future couple. Friends are not always the best material for marriage. You may realize in the future that it was best that it did not turn into something more. Trust that God will connect you with the right person when you are ready.

All experience is good

Whether things turn out the way you want them or not, all experience, pleasurable or painful, is good because you always learn something and gain lessons of wisdom! Life will always have transitory events and situations that will refine and polish you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Don’t dwell

The more you replay the hurt and fantasy in your mind the more your heart will hurt and you may even feel anger. This cycle is like self-poisoning – you are the one that keeps drinking the poison elixir you create by replaying and dwelling on something that may not be true or may never become true.

Direct yourself forward

When you go through heartbreak, you must remove all triggers that remind you of that person. Instead, focus on connecting with close friends who can support you, having hobbies of interest, and so on. Avoid living in the past and looking him on social media. In the future, try to actually build a relationship with a man who is interested in doing so and learn more about those signs.

May Allah help you,