Anxiety and Stress Toolkit

Key concepts and daily tools to help you overcome anxiety and stress. Learn about different coping strategies and how the human condition tends to transfer energy in healthy and unhealthy ways. Dr. Azadeh Weber has a doctorate in clinical psychology and is a provider at Noor Human Consulting.

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Molested by my uncle.

A family ignoring the fact the Uncle is a sexual predator, forcing one of his victims to remain friendly with him and a woman desperate to escape this toxic environment. Original counseling answer posted on AboutIslam

It took a lot of courage to write in and express such a painful topic. Thank you for trusting us with the opportunity to provide guidance.

It is my understanding you experienced molestation by your uncle from your toddler years and into adolescence. Your family is dismissive of what happened to the extent that they accuse you of somehow being accountable for what he did to you. I hope you realize they are 100% wrong and they will be held accountable for their role in your trauma.

Their actions (or lack thereof) cause you to experience those same feelings of helplessness, depression and that the people who were supposed to protect you are the ones you need protection from.

Dear Sister, I understand and empathize with your situation on a deeper level than you know. Please know you are never alone, and you are so strong, Inshallah you will rise above all of this.

“Fear not. Indeed, I am with you both; I hear and I see.” [Quran 20:46]

Forced Visitation

Under no circumstances is it acceptable to force you into being around this man. He sexually abuses children, he is a monster and you are most likely not the only one he has hurt nor will you be the last. You might be the only one who was strong enough to say something.

I know this won’t be easy, but I advise refusing to be around him and making it clear if he is allowed to be present then you will not. Your mother is apparently a witness as she knew about him doing it when you were only 2 years old. Try to ask your mother to support you in this act, she tried to advocate for you before, she might again.

Marriage

You asked about getting married to move out and escape this situation. You are at a great age for marriage, but the decision to marry should not be made out of desperation and despair. It should be a choice you want to make, not a choice you have to make.

That being said, if you have a genuine interest in someone for marriage for more than just an escape plan then it is a great option to consider. This home environment is toxic and contributing to your depression, and a change of scenery with a supportive household could really help inshallah.

I need to highlight something, you have experienced a lot of trauma. It is advisable to make sure you are ready emotionally for marriage before taking that step and select someone you can feel safe with and confide in.

To be clear, if you only want marriage to escape your home then you may end up in a bad marriage that only increases your pain.

Coping Skills and Self-Talk

You mentioned keeping yourself busy and concentrating on other things. It is good to identify at least 3 positive coping skills you can employ when triggered. Such as creating artwork, journaling, trying new recipes or going for a walk in a favorite location. Think about what activities help you reign in your emotions and feel better.

Your emotions, thoughts and actions are all linked. This means we can work on altering those negative emotions by changing your thoughts and actions. I would like you to get a pen and paper, let yourself feel those painful emotions and take notice of your thoughts. Write those hurtful thoughts down on paper. For example, someone in your situation may think “no one cares, I’m weak”.

Once you have identified some of your negative thoughts it is time to debate them. Using the same example, we would write down a rational thought to debate the painful one. Such as, “they love me, but they are oppressed by culture and afraid to do the right thing, I am stronger than them in this and will not tolerate any more abuse”.

Let’s extend this idea of debating your painful thoughts on paper and try to practice this in real time. If something triggers those painful memories or feelings, you can use the same concept except do it in your mind. Talk to yourself internally during difficult moments while seeking refuge in Allah (Swt).

Forgiveness

This one is easier said than done but bear in mind it is for you and Allah (SWT) not for him. When we hold onto our past traumas and let the scars reopen, we are giving power to the pain allowing it to continuously hurt us. Learning to forgive does not mean you forget; does not mean you condone and does not mean you have to be friendly with him. It simply means you let go of it and trust in Allah (SWT) to handle it. Remember Sister, Allah (SWT) will hold to account those that spread evil and corruption.

“and seek help through patience and prayer, and indeed, it is difficult except for the humbly submissive [to Allah]” [Quran 2:45]

This also means forgiving the rest of your family. Try to sit down with your mother and ask her if the family would consider counseling. Having a mediator increases accountability for what is said and helps keep the situation calm. Forgiveness is a struggle, but perhaps that is part of the reason forgiveness and mercy is so highlighted in Islam.

Duaas

You asked about specific duaas (supplications) for your situation. Sister, speak from the heart. You can say duaa in whatever language you like, whenever you like and for whatever you like provided it is appropriate.

The Prophet (ﷺ) used to say, “O Allah! I seek refuge with You from worry and grief, from incapacity and laziness, from cowardice and miserliness, from being heavily in debt and from being overpowered by (other) men.” [Bukhari]

Final Thoughts

You took a brave step writing into us, keep on this path of healing Sister and inshallah it will get easier.

• Continue to make duaa

• Be aware of your negative thoughts and debate them

• Initiate getting your parents into counseling with you or at least sitting down talking honestly. Consider someone to advocate for you as a mediator if without a counselor

• Forgive for yourself and Allah (SWT)

• Self-advocate for your right not to be exposed to this man

Please only seek out a marriage if you truly want to be married and are ready for this commitment; your marriage should be a celebration, not a rescue operation. It is through Allah (SWT) that we can find healing in the warmth and light of our connection to the Quran, read it with an open heart and let it console you.

May Allah (SWT) heal your heart, guide your family and protect you.

Ameen.

Building a Tool Box of Psychological Coping Strategies through Islamic Education

The role of self-knowledge and self-awareness is intricately related to mental health.

Islamic Educational Paradigm provides a framework for the development of these capacities and human potential. According to Avicenna, the Ruh (spirit) of man/woman is innately self-aware and by increasing awareness of the Ruh, one becomes aware of their innate self-awareness. Perfect mental health, however, eludes us because knowledge and understanding of the Ruh, the spirit and essence of man/woman, is only known to Allah SWT. In Surah Al-Isra (The Journey by Night, verse 17:85) of the Quran, we are reminded the Ruh (spirit) is commanded by Allah SWT and not even a little knowledge of it is given to humans. Nonetheless, the awareness of the Ruh through the softening of the Qalb (heart) goes a very long way when it comes to mental health.

The post-renaissance paradigms of Reductionism and Abstractionism have eliminated the Existential Reality of Ruh in all human endeavors.

This is of course because the Ruh can not be stated or described in any perception and cognitive human understanding, and is only known to Allah (verse 17:85 of the Quran). According to Islamic Sciences, the omission of the Ruh is a limit of Psychoanalytical Theory, founded by psychologist, Dr. Sigmund Freud. Even so Dr. Freud’s list and description of the primitive and sophisticated psychological defense mechanisms offer useful reference points, as they pertain to a limited scope of reality.

This being said, Ruh (spirit) is the essence of transnaturization (change at the level of nature, rather than change at the level of habits) of non-existence into existence. Any entity in creation has been brought into existence from non-existence by Allah SWT. None in creation has any knowledge of non-existence other than Allah SWT. There is a spectrum of existence and non-existence in Allah’s creation and humans can only perceive a finite part of the Existential Spectrum. The deduction from all this is Ruh is not known fully by anyone other than Allah SWT. Allah SWT has created us in synergy, spirit and matter. Synergy and matter can be defined by humans, but not spirit.

Therefore, if no one can define spirit (Ruh) then how can one create a process, procedure and practice and name it “Spiritualism?” Is spirituality/spiritual practice a non-existential illusion of Abstractionism? In Islam, with regards to the interconnectedness and unity of things (Tawheed) the concept of Divinity is a better descriptor than Spirituality. Additionally, using the term Divinity instead of Spirituality helps to differentiate between good and evil essential interconnective qualities.

In consideration of the aforementioned, three psychological coping strategies embedded in an Islamic education are illustrated below:

The first psychological coping strategy is a striving for Unity of Personality. Through reflection upon the concept of Tawheed, we further understand unity of personality. Unity of personality refers to consistency in thought, action and emotions. When such consistency is our intention and we strive towards it, our mental health improves, as does our functioning in important areas of life. When psychological consistency is lacking cognitive dissonance arises. Cognitive dissonance in turn leads to anxiety. Anxiety, if unmanaged and without a proper channel of expression, will lead to behavior based upon psychological fragmentation and the element of fragmentation will be introduced into our environment.

There are three factors that obstruct the unity of personality.

These three factors are; uncertain insight, unhealthy attitudes, and imbalanced actions. When a person suffers from one or more of these factors his or her mental health will be adversely affected and his or her functioning in important areas of life will be impaired. Islam coordinates these three factors and provides grounds for mental health (Sajedi, 2008). For example, a person who is suspicious of others and assumes the worst about them will exhibit behaviors that embody this unhealthy attitude and it will affect his/her social behaviors. With regards to uncertain insight, a Muslim identity grounded in the insight arrived at through an Islamic education, provides a person with a basis for opinions. This is important because a person who has no particular opinions is easily affected by everyone (Hamidi, Bagherzadeh, Gafarzadeh, 2010). Another case in point is a person who is prone to narcissistic behavior will eventually alienate themselves from others and as a result will experience symptoms commonly associated with depression and anxiety. If and when one experiences psychological discomfort, he or she may counter these feelings by sublimating them into a striving for unity of personality. One way to do this is through heartfulness-based cognitive behavioral therapy or self-study.

A second psychological coping strategy from Islamic education is the cultivation of Hope.

Without hope, we are left with symptoms of anxiety and depression, such as loss of motivation, anger outbursts and/or inability to prepare for the future. Islam places great emphasis on hope. An Islamic education teaches us how to access hope through Allah’s mercy and rise above our worldly affairs through a sense of value for our own dignity. According to Imam Ali, the person who knows the value of his/her dignity finds the world to be too small for him/her. It is when we are disassociated from our iman (faith) that disappointment in Allah’s mercy occurs and we lose our sense of dignity. The result of a loss of dignity is an unnecessary preoccupation with temporary and worldly circumstances.

According to Dr. Lazaros and Dr. Folkman, who came up with the Transactional Model of Stress and Coping, the person who has hope has confidence in themselves. In turn, confidence is positively correlated with positive affect enhancement. Hope may be arrived at through the cultivation of higher levels of patience, as patience enables one to persevere in spite of hardships. In Islam, there are levels of patience. At the bare minimum, patience entails refraining from doing bad. A higher level of patience is refraining from doing bad without complaining about it. An even more sophisticated level of patience is refraining from doing bad, not complaining about it, being thankful for everything because it is from Allah SWT and finally channeling this gratefulness into good deeds.

A third psychological coping strategy informed by Islamic education is Self-knowledge and Self-development.

Al-Ghazali, in The Book of Knowledge asserts that seeking knowledge is the duty of all Muslims. This knowledge extends to self-knowledge. It is through knowing one’s self that one can cultivate awareness of the Ruh and consciousness of Allah SWT. This consciousness has a calming effect on the psychology of the person. Moreover, self-knowledge is the introduction to self-development (Hamidi, Bagherzadeh & Gafarzadeh, 2010). According to Dr. Maslow, self-development is the highest form of psychological growth. By intending self-development, aligning one’s behaviors, and attuning one’s heart into this endeavor, a sense of serenity is experienced.

A practical tip to building a psychological toolbox with the aforementioned coping strategies is to spend 5 minutes at the end of the day reflecting upon the events of the day with evenly spaced attention. This reflective exercise builds self-knowledge in general, and in specific, it is an exercise of patience through the examination of one’s strengths and areas for growth. Furthermore, this reflective exercise supports one to have insight into the fragments in one’s personality; where one’s emotions, thoughts, and actions would benefit from greater integration. Such insight provides one with the direction and freedom necessary to strive towards the unity of personality.

Reference -
The Role of Islamic Education in Mental Health, by Farideh Hamidi , Zohreh Bagherzadeh ,

Sobhan Gafarzadeh , 2010
The Rest of this Ravan, by Sajedi Abolfazi, 2008

Spiritual Detox through Fasting

By Dr. Azadeh Weber

If seeking to break an extreme desire to discipline the body and soul you have to go extreme in the opposite direction to struggle with yourself until the extreme desire is broken. Not because the opposite extreme is preferred but because by seeking the opposite extreme you will eventually calibrate into a state of moderation.

Picture an ant in a ring of fire.

The best place for the ant is in the middle of the ring of fire. This is the metaphor Al-Ghazali uses for moderation.  

The purpose of fasting during the month of Ramadan is to return to a state of moderation and self-control of desires through temporarily seeking an opposite extreme to satiety.

The desire for food is considered the fundamental desire that precedes the desire for fame, lust, power, status, etc. According to Al-Ghazali, until one can refrain from what is permitted one will be unable to refrain from what is prohibited, because the same faculty which desires what is permitted, desires what is prohibited. Thus by breaking the desire for food, a spiritual detoxification is believed to take place.

Source - Al Ghazali - Book 22 - On Disciplining the Soul and Breaking the Two Desires

Managing Mental Health within a Polarized Society

With intense polarization happening in our media and society, with regards to various issues,  and the left vs. right political tensions, we are at an increasing risk of internalizing the polarization in the environment into our own psyche/soul.

If you have too many contradictions within your own soul, it may undermine your ability to exercise dynamic action, decrease your life force and symptoms of anxiety may manifest.

According to Abu Zayd Al-Balkhi, anxiety underlies all psychological symptoms. Some people's expression of anxiety is depression, other people's expression of anxiety is fear and panic, other people's expression of anxiety is anger, and other people’s expression is obsessions. (Of course there are combination factors at play, but I am referring to predominant predispositions to psychological imbalances.) This being said, below are three techniques to guard against  an internalization of the polarization being played out in the media and within society today:

1. During states of calm and tranquility create a store-house of positive thoughts and emotions to counteract outbursts of psychological discomfort when they arise. This is like having a medicine cabinet of prescriptions for the body and a first aid kit on hand, even in states of physical well-being.

2. Treat unpleasant emotions with their opposite unpleasant emotions in order to neutralize them and make space for happiness. This is the principle of the "double negative," that creates a positive. For example, to counteract fear and panic or depression, use anger. Even though anger in and of itself is a disbalanced state, when combined with other disbalanced states it can be used to neutralize psychological symptoms and give rise to courage. In turn, courage may be used as fuel/motivation for self-development and improving functional abilities. Keep in mind, suppressing anger may be preferred to having no anger, with anger optimally moderated between recklessness and cowardice.

3. Seek out counseling from a wise person. Abu Zayd Al-Balkhi observed, often people accept from others what they do not accept from themselves because one’s own reasoning and thought are intermixed with passions, each implicated by the other. Secondly, painful psychological symptoms can be so preoccupying and overpowering that a person cannot think clearly how to overcome them.

Source  Abu Zayd Al-Balkhi's Sustenance of the Soul: The Cognitive Behavior Therapy of a Ninth Century Physician

Husband Threatens Me with Suicide; Is This Normal

Original Posted on AboutIslam

Sister wrote in for advice about a husband that threatens suicide whenever things don’t go his way, he is manipulative and she is striving to live a pious lifestyle but doesn’t know how to handle him. To read the original counseling question, visit this link

To begin, let me be very clear. It is NOT normal for a spouse to threaten suicide. It is not normal for anyone to threaten suicide to anyone else. I never take mentions of suicide lightly, so please if at any time you feel he will be of risk to himself or anyone else, immediately notify appropriate authorities and family/friends that can help.

That being said, we need to look at the information you provided. He threatens you with suicide when things don’t go the way he would prefer. He verbally abuses you, and your family has never felt good about this man. You make statements such as “I did many mistakes”, “I made the mistake of almost being scammed”, “burdened with my mistake” and he specifically states he will kill himself over these alleged mistakes. (note I said alleged).

Sister, I need to be honest with you, and I don’t think this will surprise you. This man sounds manipulative and this brings up gaslighting.

Gaslighting within romantic relationships is a form of psychological manipulation where the victim is groomed into questioning their own perceptions, memory, and abilities. Relating this to what you describe, it seems as though you are already questioning your own abilities and perceive yourself as frequently making mistakes.

Sister, no one is perfect, and we all have our ups and downs in life but when a spouse highlights the downs and repeatedly blames them to the extent they threaten self-harm, then no, this is not a stable or healthy environment.

Religious Lifestyle

I commend you for wanting to strive for a lifestyle in line with the guidance of Islam. You call this man religious and mention you sacrificed everything for his happiness, yet he is not grateful.

Ask yourself something sister, what defines a religious man? Multiple verses of the Quran and hadithillustrate examples of piety. Here are a few in line with your situation.

Treatment of Others

How your husband decides to treat you says a lot about his piety. A man or woman that strives for God-consciousness should be aware they are accountable for how they treat their spouse.

“Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, “The believers who show the most perfect Faith are those who have the best behavior, and the best of you are those who are the best to their wives”. [At-Tirmidhi]

“Kind speech and forgiveness are better than charity followed by injury”. [Quran 2:263]

Character

“Abu Ad-Dardh narrated that the Messenger of Allah said: “Nothing is placed on the Scale that is heavier than good character. Indeed the person with good character will have attained the rank of the person of fasting and prayer.” [At-Tirmidhi]

Hardships will happen in every marriage, but a person who strives to be a good Muslim should aim for gratitude and appreciation. They would highlight the positives and make their spouse feel appreciated.

“…If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]…” [Quran 14:7]

In relation to marriage, the Quran describes our spouses as a source of affection and mercy. Again, highlighting the good and kind character that we should demonstrate.

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought”. [Quran 30:21]

I encourage you to sit and really think about this for a moment. You mention wanting a halal lifestyle and a religious husband. Do you think your current relationship dynamic is indicative of piety and Islamic character? 

Leave or Stay

You asked if you should divorce him before involving children. Until this situation is resolved, I would not involve children, but how you resolve this is up to you.

Leave

If you know in your heart that you want a divorce, then don’t drag it on any further. If you believe that this man will not change and this type of behavior will continue, then I encourage you to go to your family for help in seeking a divorce. Please be prepared he may try to fight it, but you don’t need his permission to leave.

I would advise seeking out personal counseling to help you recover if you decide to leave. The emotional scars of verbal abuse and manipulation don’t go away overnight. You can do this online if you prefer. Or you can ask your local Islamic community about Islamic counseling in your area. One resource for Muslims in the UK is Sakoon.

Seek help through prayer, read the Quran daily and allow yourself to be vulnerable with family. They only want you to be happy and have the best life you can.

Stay

If you don’t want to divorce him, then I strongly suggest marriage counseling from an Islamic perspective. It is not advisable to try and work these issues out alone. As your family has never supported this marriage, it is doubtful they could be an unbiased mediator.

You can do marriage counseling in person or online, depends on where you are located. I personally suggest Noor Human Consulting who works a lot with marriages.

If you decide to try and work things out, it is important you are completely honest with him and he needs to recognize when his thought patterns and choice of words are harmful. Your husband needs to understand this type of behavior cannot continue and if he refuses to seek counseling with you then he is refusing to help the marriage succeed.

Again, this is your decision to make, sister. Talk to someone you trust that knows both of you. It can help you to say these things out loud and discuss them in order to make a definite decision.

Final Thoughts

To summarize your options moving forward, if you choose to stay, then seek out marital counseling as soon as able. Do not put this off and make sure he understands you are serious about this and the harmful behavior must stop.

If you choose to leave, then reach out to the family for help and consider personal counseling as you heal.

Remember sister, religiousness/piety is not defined by the rituals and restrictions we do in front of others. It is about our intentions, our heart, and our character while performing those actions. How we treat our spouses and family is a direct reflection of our own heart and piety.

Make duaa for guidance and inshallah you will make the best choice.

Amen,