Molested by my uncle.
By Monique Hassan
A family ignoring the fact the Uncle is a sexual predator, forcing one of his victims to remain friendly with him and a woman desperate to escape this toxic environment. Original counseling answer posted on AboutIslam
It took a lot of courage to write in and express such a painful topic. Thank you for trusting us with the opportunity to provide guidance.
It is my understanding you experienced molestation by your uncle from your toddler years and into adolescence. Your family is dismissive of what happened to the extent that they accuse you of somehow being accountable for what he did to you. I hope you realize they are 100% wrong and they will be held accountable for their role in your trauma.
Their actions (or lack thereof) cause you to experience those same feelings of helplessness, depression and that the people who were supposed to protect you are the ones you need protection from.
Dear Sister, I understand and empathize with your situation on a deeper level than you know. Please know you are never alone, and you are so strong, Inshallah you will rise above all of this.
“Fear not. Indeed, I am with you both; I hear and I see.” [Quran 20:46]
Forced Visitation
Under no circumstances is it acceptable to force you into being around this man. He sexually abuses children, he is a monster and you are most likely not the only one he has hurt nor will you be the last. You might be the only one who was strong enough to say something.
I know this won’t be easy, but I advise refusing to be around him and making it clear if he is allowed to be present then you will not. Your mother is apparently a witness as she knew about him doing it when you were only 2 years old. Try to ask your mother to support you in this act, she tried to advocate for you before, she might again.
Marriage
You asked about getting married to move out and escape this situation. You are at a great age for marriage, but the decision to marry should not be made out of desperation and despair. It should be a choice you want to make, not a choice you have to make.
That being said, if you have a genuine interest in someone for marriage for more than just an escape plan then it is a great option to consider. This home environment is toxic and contributing to your depression, and a change of scenery with a supportive household could really help inshallah.
I need to highlight something, you have experienced a lot of trauma. It is advisable to make sure you are ready emotionally for marriage before taking that step and select someone you can feel safe with and confide in.
To be clear, if you only want marriage to escape your home then you may end up in a bad marriage that only increases your pain.
Coping Skills and Self-Talk
You mentioned keeping yourself busy and concentrating on other things. It is good to identify at least 3 positive coping skills you can employ when triggered. Such as creating artwork, journaling, trying new recipes or going for a walk in a favorite location. Think about what activities help you reign in your emotions and feel better.
Your emotions, thoughts and actions are all linked. This means we can work on altering those negative emotions by changing your thoughts and actions. I would like you to get a pen and paper, let yourself feel those painful emotions and take notice of your thoughts. Write those hurtful thoughts down on paper. For example, someone in your situation may think “no one cares, I’m weak”.
Once you have identified some of your negative thoughts it is time to debate them. Using the same example, we would write down a rational thought to debate the painful one. Such as, “they love me, but they are oppressed by culture and afraid to do the right thing, I am stronger than them in this and will not tolerate any more abuse”.
Let’s extend this idea of debating your painful thoughts on paper and try to practice this in real time. If something triggers those painful memories or feelings, you can use the same concept except do it in your mind. Talk to yourself internally during difficult moments while seeking refuge in Allah (Swt).
Forgiveness
This one is easier said than done but bear in mind it is for you and Allah (SWT) not for him. When we hold onto our past traumas and let the scars reopen, we are giving power to the pain allowing it to continuously hurt us. Learning to forgive does not mean you forget; does not mean you condone and does not mean you have to be friendly with him. It simply means you let go of it and trust in Allah (SWT) to handle it. Remember Sister, Allah (SWT) will hold to account those that spread evil and corruption.
“and seek help through patience and prayer, and indeed, it is difficult except for the humbly submissive [to Allah]” [Quran 2:45]
This also means forgiving the rest of your family. Try to sit down with your mother and ask her if the family would consider counseling. Having a mediator increases accountability for what is said and helps keep the situation calm. Forgiveness is a struggle, but perhaps that is part of the reason forgiveness and mercy is so highlighted in Islam.
Duaas
You asked about specific duaas (supplications) for your situation. Sister, speak from the heart. You can say duaa in whatever language you like, whenever you like and for whatever you like provided it is appropriate.
The Prophet (ﷺ) used to say, “O Allah! I seek refuge with You from worry and grief, from incapacity and laziness, from cowardice and miserliness, from being heavily in debt and from being overpowered by (other) men.” [Bukhari]
Final Thoughts
You took a brave step writing into us, keep on this path of healing Sister and inshallah it will get easier.
Continue to make duaa
Be aware of your negative thoughts and debate them
Initiate getting your parents into counseling with you or at least sitting down talking honestly. Consider someone to advocate for you as a mediator if without a counselor
Forgive for yourself and Allah (SWT)
Self-advocate for your right not to be exposed to this man
Please only seek out a marriage if you truly want to be married and are ready for this commitment; your marriage should be a celebration, not a rescue operation. It is through Allah (SWT) that we can find healing in the warmth and light of our connection to the Quran, read it with an open heart and let it console you.
May Allah (SWT) heal your heart, guide your family and protect you.
Ameen.
5 Reasons Children Misbehave and What You Can Do
By Jailan Heider
Every parent reaches their wits end when dealing with children’s misbehavior. Just remember that your child isn’t “out to get you”, there are often very explainable and preventable reasons for misbehavior.
The most common reasons for misbehavior are:
1. Your child’s basic needs aren’t being met, he is tired, cranky or hungry which makes all his emotions magnified and little problems difficult to handle.
What you can do: make sure your child is fed and rested before venturing out. Make sure you don’t skip a meal or your child’s nap time. It can take some compromise on your part as a parent to make sure you’re child finds a place to take his nap while you’re out but it will make both of you happy in the long term.
2. Seeking attention, your child may be trying to get your attention and learned that getting attention through misbehavior is easier and more effective.
What you can do: Try to ignore unwanted attention seeking behavior as long as your child isn’t harming himself or others. Make sure you praise positive behavior so your child realizes there is an alternative way to get your attention. With repetition your child will learn he can do positive things instead of misbehaving to get your attention.
3. Displaying inadequacy,children who feel inadequate will refuse to try new things and give up easily.
What you can do: Offer your child encouragement when approaching a task. Use encouraging words and phrases like “you can do it!”. Try to offer your child toys or activities that are within your child’s developmental abilities with a bit of challenge to help in learn but not cause frustration. Remember to give him the space and independence to do it on his own but be close by in case he asks for help.
4. Controlling, children who want to be in control refuse to follow direct requests, lash out when reprimanded and refuse to do what their parents request.
What you can do: Don’t get yourself into a power struggle, simply state expectations and consequences in advance. If your child does not follow through (cleaning up) then follow with the consequence (can’t go out to play). With repetition and time your child will learn to avoid consequences with minimal conflict. As a parent make sure you do not insist on everything as well. It’s best to keep firm rules down to a few that mainly have to do with safety like crossing the street or not touching the oven. This gives you room to compromise and revisit other rules as your child grows and has different developmental needs and capabilities.
5. Revenge seeking behavior is when your child shows mean behavior like saying “i don’t love you” or breaking another child’s toy. This behavior reflects that your child feels he has no value or little worth.
What you can do: There is usually an underlying reason why children lash out with hurtful words and phrases. Sometimes a simple incident like leaving a birthday before seeing the clown can seem like the end of the world for your child with such intense emotions. The best way to handle this is to avoid consequences that might be viewed as retaliation, instead help him make amends like fixing the friend’s toy or make sure to explain why you had to leave the birthday at that time and acknowledge your child’s feelings. Most importantly remind your child that you LOVE him even when he is misbehaving. This can be hard but will help him stop acting out for revenge.
Domestic Abuse
By Monique Hassan
In honor of Domestic Abuse Awareness Month, we as an ummah must acknowledge that this type of trauma is occurring within our community just as it is occurring in every other race and religion. Domestic abuse goes against Islamic character and divides families.
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” Quran 30:21
We are supposed to be servants of Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) and devoutly obedient to his message, this includes the rightful treatment of our spouses and family members.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), approximately 20 people are abused by their partner every minute in America. This is on or about 10 million people a year. Almost half of all female rape victims in America were forced by an intimate partner. 72% of murder-suicides are involving couples and it is typically the woman which is the victim of this homicide. Sadly, 20% of American children are a witness to domestic abuse.
What is Domestic Abuse
Domestic abuse is essentially a pattern of violence and negativity which is designed to control and breakdown the other person. Although some cases of abuse may occur due to a one-time outburst of anger, it is typically an ongoing and escalating behavior with the goal of keeping the abuser in power. A man or a woman can be the abuser and they may not see themselves as an abusive spouse just as the victim may not see themselves as being abused. Violence within the home can range in severity such as grabbing someone by the arm and throwing them to the ground to more horrific behavior such as beating someone with a closed fist until they are in the fetal position.
Abuse is not limited to physical violence. Verbal and emotional abuse is another tool used to oppress and degrade their spouse. As an example, if a husband comes home to find that dinner is not ready and he decides to begin screaming things such as “you are a terrible wife, I am embarrassed to be your husband” and then proceeds to slam doors and ignore the children, this man is harming his wife and his children. Spousal communication that seeks to blame and degrade can chip away at someone’s self- esteem and cause them to internalize the blame.
Sexual abuse is another aspect of the control paradigm. Although spouses should seek to satisfy the sexual desires of their mate, if a wife refuses intercourse it is not justifiable for the man to violently force himself upon her and then claim it is his right. Such acts cause the victim to associate sexuality with pain, which only serves to further sexual dissatisfaction within the marriage.
Forced isolation is another component seen in these relationships. The abuser begins to restrict their partner’s access to family, friends and the outside word. This may be done covertly by instigating arguments every time the spouse wants to visit family so that eventually the spouse stops attempting to leave to minimize arguments. Social media accounts and cell phones might be closely monitored or the abuser may completely forbid the use of these. The goal is to ensure the spouse is not hearing other voices which may go against the abuser and begin to strengthen the victim.
Why does Domestic Abuse Happen
Abusers may have tempers that are very difficult for them to control so they lash out angrily whenever they are triggered. Domestic Abuse is usually a means of control and dominance. The abuser wants to keep their partner submissive and in their metaphorical cage. They fail to realize that fear is not the same thing as respect.
“The strong man is not the one who wrestles others; rather, the strong man is the one who controls himself at times of anger.” Sahih Muslim 2609
Contrary to their external behaviors, abusers are typically weak internally. These are people that commonly lack trust in others and they are insecure. Therefor they project that insecurity onto their spouse and believe they need to enforce dominance to keep them at their side. Considering that 20% of children are witness to domestic abuse, those children may grow up and continue that cycle. The once abused and neglected child becomes the abuser or they marry an abusive spouse because this is the example their parents provided. They were raised to believe that marriage should be authoritarian.
Effects of Domestic Abuse
Victims of domestic abuse will feel the effect of this violence in physical and mental damage. The Suicide Prevention Resource Center reports that approximately one-third of domestic abuse victims have suicidal thoughts or have made attempts. Additionally, the spouses as well as the children in these abusive situations are at a higher risk for violence towards others as well as self-harm.
Victims often develop low self-esteem, they begin to blame themselves for their abuse and they become depressed. Children that witness these events carry lasting emotional scars which can impact their emotional development as well as their future choices in marriage.
Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is another common effect of an abusive household. This can entail insomnia and when they can sleep they experience nightmares. Increasing feelings of guilt, isolation, anxiety and mistrust in others are common. The victim may also become increasingly hostile towards others as they don’t have a positive means of venting and they lack coping skills.
Dependent on the severity of the abuse, some victims may endure lasting physical effects. Physical scars as well as improperly healed injuries serve to constantly remind the victim of their trauma while also causing them physical pain or difficulty. Women may lose their pregnancies which only adds to their suffering.
Survivors that do leave the marriage often find it difficult to trust others and this can hinder future marriage prospects. Some brothers have a negative disposition towards divorcees and they look only for virgins which makes this process even more difficult. If they do remarry and the new spouse is not aware of their painful past, this will create a difficult situation as the victim will have some emotional scars to work through.
Why do the Victims Stay
From the outside looking in, it is easy to say the victim just needs to leave. This is often very difficult for multiple reasons. The moment when they do decide to leave, this is the most dangerous time for them according to the NCADV. Many men who have killed their wife reportedly did this when they tried to leave. An abuser is intent on controlling the other person, once that control is lost the abuser becomes unpredictable and may escalate to levels of violence that they never demonstrated previously. The mindset of “if I can’t have you, no one will” becomes a potential threat. Due to the isolation that is pushed on some victims, they may not have any friends to go to anymore and they hesitate to contact family that they previously distanced themselves from. In some situations, family members look down upon divorce so heavily that they might encourage the victim to stay and have patience as if they are responsible for the abuse.
Domestic abuse victims do not always consider themselves to be victims, instead they blame themselves and feel that they deserved the discipline. The abuser further perpetuates this guilt and makes statements like “if you didn’t do that, I would not get so upset with you”. The victim begins to believe that they are responsible for the violence in the home because they are a bad spouse. They may even seek out forgiveness from their abusive partner after a beating.
Finances are another concern for victims of domestic abuse. Abusers often control finances to ensure their partner does not have enough money to support themselves. Shelters for abused women do exist, but many people would be afraid to live in a homeless shelter. If children are involved then custody is a huge concern of the victim. Certainly, they cannot leave the child in that dangerous household, but they don’t have guarantees that they will get custody. Even if the victim is awarded custody of the child, they may have to visit their abuser on a regular basis due to visitation rights. Some victims may fear that their spouse will harm their child if they attempt to leave so they see enduring the marriage as a means of protection for the children.
Seeking Help
Despite the difficulties and varying challenges of domestic abuse, victims can seek out help and they can overcome their situation. Many organizations exist that aim to help survivors of domestic abuse. If you are a victim of abuse or you know someone who might be, please utilize the following tips.
- Make sincere duaa and fall upon your faith for strength
- Contact organizations specializing in these situations.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800- 799-7233
- Contact family or friends you can trust and let them know you need help
- Contact your local police department for protection orders, arrests and have them escort you while gathering all your belongings
- Secure a lawyer if custody is a concern, non-profit lawyers are available for those that need financial help
- Reach out to religious leaders that you trust
- Find a therapeutic program to help you work through the emotional scars of your trauma
Take it one day at a time.
"No calamity befalls a Muslim but that Allah expiates some of his sins because of it, even though it were the prick he receives from a thorn." Sahih al-Bukhari 5640
As someone who has personal insight with domestic abuse, I can tell you that help does exist and you are stronger than you think you are. It is not your fault and you do not deserve it. If you are a victim or know someone that is a victim, it is time to make a change for the positive. Have faith in Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) to guide you through this storm and know that you will come out of it renewed. That which does not kill you only makes you stronger. Alhamdulillah for everything.
Monique Hassan,
Behavioral/Mental Health Writer
References
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. https://ncadv.org/
Suicide Prevention Resource Center. http://www.sprc.org/news/working-together- prevent-suicide- and-intimate-partner- violence